


Possession

by Oudemia



Series: Belonging [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Alien Invasion, Forgiveness, Friendship/Love, Hurt Loki, Hurt/Comfort, Loki Redemption, M/M, Non-Consensual Violence, Poor Loki, Protective Steve Rogers, Rape Aftermath, Slavery, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 23:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 19
Words: 44,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1406920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oudemia/pseuds/Oudemia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Odin appears on Earth two years after the Chitauri attack, with a rather unusual offer. Either one of the Avengers must accept Loki as their slave as a continuation of his punishment, or he will be returned to his prison in Asgard for an eternity of pain and torture. Steve, being Steve, has a problem with this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> My very first published fanfic - I'm so proud! (Almost certainly without justification). I've just had far too much fun enjoying everyone else's work up till now to do any myself. Please don't be too harsh, at least until I've built up some confidence, but if anyone's interested in more chapters, do let me know.  
> I'll be honest, I'm not really sure where this is headed, but I do have some ideas, almost all involving tortured Loki, caring Steve and adorably sarcastic Tony.  
> Deep breath, here goes... (Excelsior!)
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Marvel, sadly, and not to me.

The first time Steve Rogers set eyes on Loki of Asgard, (was it only two years ago? It seems so very much longer..) the god was power personified, a glittering nightmare in green and gold, with a kneeling throng at his feet.

The second time, when Steve had personally made sure their 'guest' was secure in the Hulk's prison, he had noticed the dark circles under Loki's eyes, the unhealthy pallor of his skin, and the exhaustion beginning to show beneath the arrogant posturing and the savage taunts.

The third time, they were all there to witness Loki's defeat in Stark Tower. Unable to stand, barely able to sit upright, the Trickster had seemed resigned, almost relieved that it was over, and if any of the others had heard the scrape of broken bone or seen him blanch with pain as they dragged him away, they showed no sign of caring.

The fourth time, gagged, cuffed and still bearing the marks of his encounter with the Hulk, Loki stood hollow-eyed and alone, before the Tesseract transported him and Thor back to Asgard to face whatever punishment Odin had in store for his treacherous adopted son.

And now. . Loki kneels on the floor of Stark's penthouse, only feet away from the spot which previously bore the imprint of his beaten body. And that beating, as violent as it seemed back then, appears as a boyish scrap in comparison to what has subsequently been done to him. The god is barefoot, and the light clothing he wears makes him appear barely half-dressed amidst the armoured splendour of his Asgardian gaolers. There are four of them surrounding him, each holding a chain, the other end of which is attached to a collar around Loki's neck, enabling them all to keep their distance. Loki's hands are manacled in front of him, and as he sways weakly forward, he puts them to the ground to steady himself. The fingers are bent and bloody, and they shake visibly with the effort of supporting him. Loki's head is bowed low, not in humility, Steve guesses, but because he lacks the strength to raise it. His jet-black hair falls forward over his face, and slivers of bone-white skin show through the wet strands, but those aren't the colours which concern Steve. There's too much red. It covers the god's torn clothing in streaks and gouts, it drips from his hair onto his splayed hands, and puddles of it glisten on the white tiles behind him. All evidence points to the fact that Loki has been beaten, stabbed, whipped, burned and throttled, and those are just the marks that show.

OK, it's not logical, thinks Steve, but if there's a pattern here, and he lets the guards take Loki away with them, then what condition will the god be in the sixth time they meet? Of course he deserves to be punished, nobody's arguing that, but this isn't punishment, this is vengeance and cruelty and it makes Steve sick to his stomach.

_I don't like bullies, I don't care where they're from._

Odin asks his question again, and for some reason everybody turns to Steve for an answer. Well, he is the oldest, not that any kind of experience would prepare someone for this. He looks around at his friends, then down at his fallen enemy. He thinks carefully on the words, on the implications, on everything this could mean for him, the team and for Loki. And then, because he simply has no other choice, Steve Rogers says yes.


	2. Protection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all awesome - thank you so much for the lovely welcome to the party! So here's chapter 2, a bit over-expositiony and frankly there's not enough Loki in it (is there ever?), but I'll get down to business in chapter 3, I promise.  
> Please forgive any logical inconsistencies - I've just realised this would mean that 'Thor 2' never happened (which would be a terrible shame) so.. different timeline or something, I guess?

Odin asks his question again, and for some reason everybody turns to Steve for an answer. Well, he's the oldest, not that any kind of experience would prepare someone for this. He looks around at his friends, then down at his fallen enemy. He thinks carefully on the words, on the implications, on everything this could mean for him, the team and for Loki. And then, because he simply has no other choice, Steve Rogers says yes.

***20 minutes earlier***

'No, no, no, wait, hang on, go back to the bit where you'll be wearing a… what was it now?'

Steve sighs. All his conversations with Tony Stark seem to involve a great deal of sighing. Sometimes he wonders if he's in danger of hyperventilating if he stays in Stark Tower for any length of time. Still, this is important.  
'It's a dog suit. Specifically, some kind of border collie, I think. And anyway I'm pretty sure I won't be the only one wearing a costume.'

'Uh huh. Right. And are you going to be wearing your Captain costume under the dog suit, because I'm thinking that's going to get sticky after a couple of miles? Or I guess you could wear it over the dog suit, which would be pretty cool actually. 'Cos you kind of have to wear the costume otherwise nobody's going to know it's you, it's just some sweaty guy in a dog suit, which defeats the point really, doesn't it?'

Steve tires of sighing and opts for an eye roll instead. 'It's the charity's mascot, so I don't really have a lot of choice. Besides, this isn't just about me looking silly, you know.'

'Oh no, sure, I get that, still… Big man in a dog suit. Take that off and what are you?'

Bruce snorts loudly from behind his newspaper. 'You are never going to let him forget that, are you Tony? Come on, play nice. Are you going to sponsor him or not?'

'Well obviously I'm going to sponsor him. I just wanted to make him work for the money. Fine, hand over the form, Cap.' Tony scribbles his name and the pledged amount, then saunters over to the bar for a refill. Steve's eyes grow round as he takes a peek at the figure.  
'Tony, that's… too generous. I mean.. thanks, that's amazing. This is going to help care for a lot of sick and abused animals, I'm really grateful.'  
Tony merely shrugs as he tops up his glass to the brim. 'Always a sucker for a lost cause, eh Steve?

And suddenly the room fills with white light, and a sound like a waterfall at the end of a tunnel, and Bruce knocks Steve out of the way because he's too close to the pillar of sparks which slices through the ceiling and then fades to reveal a group of five figures standing in the centre of the room. No, six figures, the last hidden from sight amid a swirl of capes, armour and weaponry. And in front, a white-haired old man whose bearing and regal gaze leave the three men in no doubt that they are in the presence of a king.

Steve gets to his feet, putting a firm and calming hand on Bruce's shoulder, and is about to make a formal introduction. But as ever Tony gets in first. 'I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're from Asgard, right? Either that or a game of DragonQuest that got really really out of hand.'

The king sweeps his gaze over the room, ignoring Tony entirely (and quite understandably, Steve thinks) and addresses the other two men. 'I am Odin, King of Asgard, and my time here is short. I have come to seek out the Avengers of whom my son Thor speaks so admiringly, and ask of them a kindness.'

Steve looks around at the others too, before speaking cautiously. 'We are three members of the Avengers initiative. Your son is another, and the rest are.. on business. We hope for a long and peaceful alliance between our two realms, and with that in mind, what can we do for you?'

Odin closes his eyes for a moment, as if in pain, then opens them wearily and gestures towards his retinue. Without letting go of the chains in their hands, the four guards take a step away from the person huddled in their midst, revealing a barefoot scarecrow who stands swaying between them. 

'I ask you to save my son'.

 

 

 

'Son of a BITCH!'  
'Please, get him out of here!'  
'Sir, I'm going to have to ask you all to leave.'

Everyone starts talking at the same time, and nobody can take their eyes off the trembling dark-haired figure, even as he clutches at his stomach with manacled hands and drops heavily to his knees. A sharp cry escapes him as he hits the floor, and it's only then that Steve's vision clears enough to really take in the blood, the injuries, and the broken creature that was once Loki, Prince of Asgard.

'What is this? What have you done to him?'

'I?' Odin turns on him, his eyes blazing. 'You think I could do this to my own son, no matter what crime he had committed? I merely upheld the laws of Asgard, to which I too am subject. For thousands of years, there has only ever been one punishment for treason, and that is to be bound as a slave and offered yearly to somebody one has wronged. For two years, Loki has been.. unfortunate in his masters. From what Thor has told me of you, you are honourable men. I do not expect leniency for my son if you accept him, but I tell you that if take him back to Asgard today, the master who awaits him there will make his present suffering seem sweet. There is no other way - you are my final hope in this matter.'

Bruce speaks up for the first time, 'How can you ask this of us? He nearly killed us all last time he was here, and what's to stop him trying it again? Once he's recovered, I mean.'

Odin nods understandingly. 'Do not fear, Loki's magic is suppressed by the collar he wears, and it is also this which will ensure that he submits to the will of his master. He has no choice but to obey. And now I beg you, there is little time left. Will one of you accept Loki as your property for the duration of a year? Will you save his life?'

Steve, Tony and Bruce all look down at the kneeling figure. Loki's shoulders are hunched with tension and he is digging his fingernails into his palms hard enough to draw blood. He is clearly on the point of passing out, yet struggling to stay conscious in order to hear which fate lies in store for him. He still hasn't spoken a word, whether from stubbornness or a binding spell, but his breath is coming in short ragged gasps. The god seems smaller than they remember him, without the royal accoutrements and the glamour of magic. Nobody would ever have thought of applying the word 'victim' to the proud would-be conqueror of two years before, but there is no better description for the ragged pitiful heap before them.

Steve sighs (again) and makes his decision, already wondering how many times he will have cause to regret it.


	3. Ownership

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the encouragement, everyone! I'm really glad you're enjoying it so far. I wasn't very happy with chapter 2, I was rushing through it a bit to get the set-up out of the way, so now I can get to the good stuff (you know the stuff I mean). Much happier with this one - I hope you like it too.

Once Odin has left, the general atmosphere of unreality leaves with him, and the men are left with the very real, and very messy situation of a former supervillain and current torture victim lying in a pool of his own blood on the floor. Loki had passed out the moment Steve agreed to claim him, and nobody seems ready just yet to go over and check on him. After all, they can still see the flutter of his chest so at least they know he's alive, if only barely. 

Steve is almost hypnotised by the sight and it's a minute before he looks up and finds the other two just staring at him. Bruce has that expression on his face that means he's handling himself ok, but he's not quite sure how much more he can take. And Tony, he has the same look he always has, like he thinks this is all hilarious, but at the same time he knows it really really isn't. 

Bruce is chewing his lip nervously, 'Um, Steve, a word?' Tony barks out a bitter laugh but Steve isn't ready for flippant comments yet and he cuts him off sharply. 'Tell me what you're thinking Bruce. Did we.. did I do the wrong thing? I'm sorry I made the call without discussing it, I really am, I just couldn't..' He stops and gestures helplessly at the bloodied form beside them. 'I mean, look at him.'

Bruce nods. 'I'm not actually saying you made the wrong decision, Steve, we just need to be together on this. How do we handle it, and who do we tell? Do we get SHIELD involved? What do we tell Clint? Where is Loki going to stay? It's just a lot to take in, and well, you know, it is Loki.'

Good questions, all of them. Steve feels himself momentarily overwhelmed, and he's glad this time when Tony takes over. 'I don't know what I'd have done, or if I'd have said yes. But Steve, the fact that you did kind of makes it the right thing to do. So we are together on this, 100 percent. And here's what I'm thinking. One, you all need to stay here. There's plenty of room and that way we can all keep an eye on each other, and more importantly, on Loki. Two, we need to tell SHIELD. We get them to stay in the background - this is our party - but if this all goes FUBAR we need back-up at the ready. And as for Clint, we can't contact him right now but I'm guessing they can, and if there's one thing we don't need it's Clint walking in on this massive clusterfuck of a situation without any kind of a heads up. OK, that's about as much coherent thought as I can manage right now. Sound ok?' Bruce and Steve exchange a glance and a nod. 'Good then. Now I'm just going to down this drink because I am dangerously close to sober, and then let's…'

The glass hits the floor and explodes into splinters as Loki chooses this moment to sit bolt upright with a choking gasp. The motion throws his hair back in a spatter of blood, and the face that looks up at them for the first time will haunt Steve's dreams for many nights to come. The cold green eyes, the pale skin and the delicate facial bones, these are all still unmistakably Loki, but the god is now a wreckage of his former self. Bruise upon bruise, cut upon cut, new damage overlaying old. It's the eyes though. The rage and despair in them is so powerful that Steve has to turn away, and a second later he hears the door click shut as Bruce makes his escape. Only Tony is able to hold the gaze, because it's like looking back through time to that cave and that cell, and he can't look away. In fact, it's Loki who breaks the spell, as he swallows painfully and speaks in a low cracked voice that has clearly not been used for some time. 'You could just kill me, you know.'

'Not an option' Steve answers firmly. 'What would we tell your father for one thing?'

A sneer curls Loki's lip, and he turns back to Tony. 'What about you, Man of Iron? Surely you desire vengeance after our last encounter? And if you throw me from the window there will be no metal suit to save me. Does the idea not tempt you?'

'Frankly yes, it does, but that window is really expensive to replace. And besides, even after a 100-storey fall, I'm not sure you'd look a lot worse than you do now, which would take all the fun out of it. So stop trying to make us kill you, and I'll show you where you'll be living for the next year - I'm sure there's a broom closet somewhere where you'll be really comfortable.'

Tony turns to the door and is almost there when Loki suddenly shoots past him, faster than he would have thought possible. A second ago he looked like he could barely move, let alone run. He isn't quite quick enough though, and Tony catches him by the arm and spins him round. Without losing momentum, Loki slashes at him with something in the other hand and Tony yells as it narrowly misses his jugular, leaving a deep scratch on his throat. He hurls Loki back against the wall, knocking the breath out of him, and grabs his left wrist, slamming it repeatedly against the doorframe. Now he can see the shard from his broken glass clutched in Loki's hand. When did he even have time to…? They never lost sight of him for a second but somehow he managed to slip out of the cuffs, and acquire a makeshift knife. The guy is more slippery than a bag of eels. Tony feels a bone snap in the thin wrist, and Loki cries out in pain, but still doesn't let go of his weapon.

'Loki, put it down!'

Tony has seen Steve issue orders plenty of times, and he's seen other soldiers obey them without question. Even in civilian life, Steve has a natural authority when he speaks that people tend to respond to. But he's face to face with Loki now and what he sees in the god's eyes isn't obedience, or even resignation. It's panic. The trickster drops the shard as if it's burning through his hand, and as the adrenaline leaves him, he slides bonelessly to the floor, leaving a bloody smear on the white wall. Tony isn't quite sure what he's just witnessed, but he kicks the piece of glass away, just in case. There's no need, Loki is too far gone to try anything else.

Steve comes over and crouches on his heels in front of the exhausted young god, examining his face earnestly. Unfocussed green eyes stare back at him, the lids half-closed. Steve speaks very slowly but clearly, 'You need to listen to me Loki. I don't like this situation either, but we're stuck with it for a while, so we need to co-operate. That means a few ground rules. One..' Loki's head starts to sag toward his chest, but the Captain reaches out to take it between his hands. The luminous green orbs spring open again, as if startled at the gentleness of the soldier's touch. 'I'm sorry, Loki, I know you're hurt and tired, but this is important. One, don't hurt my friends - don't hurt anyone else either. And definitely don't kill them. Two, don't break, steal or destroy anything. And three, no escape attempts. That includes trying to kill yourself. That's it for now, nod if you understand.'

Loki coughs weakly, and a thin trickle of blood runs down his chin, but he manages to lower his head twice. 

'OK then. Now can we please get you to the medical bay before you bleed out all over Tony's floor?' But at this point the god has fought against unconsciousness for too long, and Steve lowers his head gently to the floor as the welcome darkness takes him.


	4. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking with this! You're all really encouraging, and it makes it so much more fun to know I'm not the only one enjoying it. I've managed a longer chapter this time as I'm going away for a week and not sure if I'll be able to fit one in (I am going to try though). Hope you like!

In the end, Loki's injuries make it too risky for Tony and Steve to carry him between them, so Steve wraps him in a blanket to cushion him and soak up some of the blood, and lifts him up in his arms. Loki doesn't stir, and his head lolls against Steve's shoulder. He shouldn't be this light, thinks Steve, as he treads as carefully as he can so as not to jolt his unconscious burden. Have they even been feeding him? 

Tony leads the way, keeping his distance somewhat, and when they arrive at Stark Tower's medical centre they are surprised to find Bruce already there, setting up. 

'Sorry guys', he looks up with a shy smile, 'just needed to get some air. As long as I'm working I'll be fine though. Just put him down here on the gurney and I'll run some scans so we know what we're dealing with.'

Loki is utterly limp as Steve lays him down gently. His forehead is beaded with sweat and strands of dark hair are plastered to his face. Steve finds himself stroking them back, then checks guiltily to see if anyone has noticed. Luckily Tony is helping Bruce with the diagnostic equipment, and appears oblivious. Relieved, Steve fetches a wet towel and begins to sponge away some of the blood from Loki's hair and face. As he presses the cool damp cloth to the burning forehead, a shudder runs through the god's still form and his lips part in a small sigh of pleasure. The guilty feeling returns and Steve thinks it's safer to just stand back against the wall for a while. Odd, the god isn't even conscious and he's still messing with Steve's head.

Bruce is using scissors to cut away the torn and bloody clothing from Loki's torso and legs. He has to wet it in places, where the clotted blood causes it to stick to Loki's wounds, and as he peels it painstakingly away from the skin, more and more evidence of torture is revealed. Scorch marks, mottled bruises, cuts both deep and shallow, and on Loki's back, the latticed weals of countless floggings. His ribs are so visible that it's clear even to an untrained eye that half of them are broken. The damage is largely concentrated around his chest and back, but no part of him has been left unscathed. And most disturbing of all are the marks of servitude - the torn flesh around the wrists and ankles, and the bruising under the metal collar. Somebody has enjoyed owning Loki, has taken their time with him, and if this started out as revenge, it quickly turned into something else, something more sinister.

Bruce is quick and thorough and professional, and the others take the opportunity to rest for a moment while he carries out the tests. The equipment is state-of-the-art and it's not long before he's standing before them with a tablet in his hand and a hollow-eyed look. 'So.. the bloodwork will take a little longer, but I've done some preliminary tests and… do you guys really want to hear this?'

Steve and Tony glance at each other and Tony speaks for them. 'Want, no. Need, yes. Give it to us, Doc. Just, not too much detail please.'

Bruce looks down and starts to read in a flat voice, 'Well the surface injuries you've already seen, so I'll just give you the internal ones. Working upward, six bones broken in the left foot, two in the right, fractures of the left tibia and fibula and multiple torn ligaments. Six broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, several bones broken in each hand, and a skull fracture. On top of that, we've got punctured organs, severe tissue damage, traumatic blood loss, infection and fever.' Bruce stops to take off his glasses and wipe his eyes. 'Honestly, I don't know how he stayed alive, let alone upright. The shock alone should have killed him. Even without their magic these Asgardian types must be pretty goddamned resilient.' Bruce pauses again and runs a hand through his unruly hair. 'I'll fix him up the best I can, but.. even if he ever physically recovers, which I can't guarantee, are we really equipped to deal with this? I mean, emotionally? What kind of a state would a person's mind be in after two years of that?' And he makes a helpless gesture at the inert body on the bed behind him.

Steve exhales a slow, measured breath. 'I guess there's no easy way to find out, is there?' 

After that Bruce asks the others to leave him to work alone for a bit, saying that he can handle it from now on. There are a few more tests he wants to run and they don't need to hang around. Besides, he's filled Loki with enough painkillers to keep him under for a while. Before they leave though, he throws Tony a roll of gauze and a bottle of antiseptic, declining to comment on the scratch across his neck. Once outside the medical centre, the two men sag against the opposite wall, temporarily avoiding each others' gaze. Steve's voice is very soft when he eventually asks 'How are you doing, Tony?'

Stark stares along the corridor, not really sure how to answer the question. How can he put into words all the thoughts and feelings that are jostling for position in his head? The memories that he thought he'd dealt with, the ones he'd suppressed, flooding back and bringing with them all that anger. Except this time the anger isn't directed at the Ten Rings or Obadiah or even himself, it's for everyone who could treat a human being with such abject cruelty. And not just human beings.. He's struggling with some pretty complicated attitudes towards their Asgardian guest too - who knew you could feel this bad for somebody you thought you hated? So in the end he just shrugs lightly and says 'I'm OK'. 

Steve is perceptive enough to read between the lines, so he just nods, and changes the subject, asking Tony about accommodation arrangements. They decide it's best if they all stick pretty close to each other, at least for the time being, and Tony shows the Captain to two adjoining suites, near to his own. 'You and Loki can take these, and there's another for Bruce just down the hall. Since you're the one who can control Loki, I think we'll all feel more comfortable if you two stay nice and cosy. I'd keep the door locked at night though, in case he gets the wrong idea and tries something.'

Steve thanks him and takes in his luxurious surroundings, thinking fondly of his small one-bedroom apartment in the cheaper end of town. 'Right, you settle in, I'll contact SHIELD and let them know about our new psycho adoption program.' Tony heads for the door, but stops at the last minute and turns back, and there's genuine concern in his voice as he adds 'Just.. be careful, ok?' And then he quietly slips out.

Clearly Tony Stark was not quite as oblivious as he had seemed.

 

* * * * *

The respite is brief, and it's barely an hour before Jarvis's voice alerts the two men to some sort of 'incident' in the medical bay. They speed into action, unsure who they should be more worried about, and by the time Steve throws open the door he has already envisaged half a dozen fairly appalling scenarios. The tableau which greets him was actually not one of them. Loki is sitting cross-legged on the floor in the corner of the room, pulling off the difficult trick of looking entirely nonchalant whilst covered from head to foot in bandages and rows of stitches. He is wearing blue hospital scrubs which do nothing to detract from his air of elegant disinterest. Bruce on the other hand is standing stock still in front of him, wearing the contents of what looks like a bowl of minestrone soup. He looks more surprised than angry and the piece of spaghetti dangling from the tip of his nose adds a perfect comic touch. Tony arrives a second later and immediately bursts out laughing at the spectacle, but Steve is not amused. 

'Is somebody going to tell me what happened here? Loki, didn't you hear what I told you earlier?'

The god does a fine impression of having only just noticed Steve, and gives him a smile of staggering insincerity. 'One, I didn't hurt him, your Midgardian slops were barely warm. Two, I didn't break anything, the bowl is undamaged. And three, I didn't try and kill myself, I merely attempted to rouse the beast to see what would happen. It would hardly be my fault if I'd simply been in the way.'

Tony's jaw drops, 'You sneaky fucker!'

Loki beams as if he has just received a glowing compliment, which coming from Tony, he sort of has. 'There are always loopholes, Stark. And I trust I'll find them before you do.'

Steve is pinching the bridge of his nose with his hand. He knew this was going to be hard, but.. 'Fine. Rule number four, don't try and make Bruce angry. Understand?' 

Loki's attention appears to have wandered and his eyes flit lazily around the room. Steve has had enough and he grabs the supine deity by the front of his tunic and hauls him to his feet. 'Do. You. Understand?' Loki meets his eyes with a look of pure malevolence but his lips remain closed. Tony speaks quietly over Steve's shoulder, 'Try a direct order, Steve', and the soldier slams Loki back against the wall, forcing his lips open in a gasp. 'Answer me Loki!'

That flash of fear appears again in the burning green eyes, and Loki whispers with tones of seething venom 'Yes.. Master.'

Steve lets go in disgust and stalks out, snapping 'Good, now get back in bed and let Bruce feed you.'

Unsupported by Steve's grip, Loki's knees had started to buckle, but on hearing the command, he stiffens and begins to push himself upright again, using the wall as leverage. Steve is already out in the corridor, so he doesn't see the desperate way in which Loki tries to force himself to take a step forward. His legs are too weak under him though, and he grabs at a trolley of surgical instruments to steady himself, but his hands are shaking too badly and he merely knocks the tray off with a crash and collapses to the floor. Bruce and Tony move forward to help him, but he shouts at them to stay back, and something barely audible about having to do it by himself 'or it doesn't… it won't.. ' 

'He's doped up to the eyeballs,' Bruce explains quickly, 'It didn't seem to keep him under, but on top of his injuries it's made him weak as a kitten. He only just managed to get out of bed before his legs gave way.'

Steve had heard the crash and comes rushing back into the room at the moment when the shit hits the fan. Something horrible is starting to happen to Loki - his teeth are clenched and violent tremors are running up and down his body. His bandaged hands claw at the floor beneath him and tears of pain are streaming from his eyes. Bruce drops to the floor beside him and slides a towel under Loki's head, which is now thrashing from side to side. Steve moves everything he can out of harm's way before Loki injures himself further, then looks over helplessly at Bruce, 'What's happening to him? What can I do?'

Loki's back arches in agony, and he looks like he's trying to scream if only he could get enough air into his lungs. It's the most distressing thing Steve has ever seen. Tony is watching, his face pale, clearly also at a loss as to how to help.

Bruce is shaking his head in confusion, 'I'm not sure, it could be a seizure but.. it's more like something's hurting him…'.

Their eyes meet and realisation dawns, 'Oh god…the collar.' 

Steve leans over and grabs Loki's hand, which grasps at his like a lifeline, and shouts 'Loki stop!' Slowly, agonisingly, Loki's eyes fix on his and the tremors begin to calm down. Little by little, his limbs begin to relax and the only sign of his former distress is the occasional hitch in his breathing, at a residual stab of pain. Not caring now who sees it, Steve wipes the damp hair back from the god's forehead and hushes him like a parent, keeping a light grip on the hand in his. As Loki's eyes drift closed, Steve feels the broken fingers relax too, except for a small squeeze at the last moment, so slight that he's not sure if it was just a reflex or if he simply imagined it.

And as he looks down at Loki's sleeping face, at the frown creasing that high intelligent brow, two thoughts flash into his mind in quick succession. One makes his heart shrink a little, and the other makes it grow warm in his chest.

'I can hurt you.'

'I can help you'.


	5. Endurance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a gap there, sorry, but I'm back now, and raring to go! Thanks again for reading x  
> PS: I was reading my previous chapters for continuity purposes - I never realised I had such an eye fetish, I do mention them a lot, don't I? I'm totally not going to stop though. In fact, there are more eyes than ever in this chapter! Brace yourself..

Either the drugs have finally taken effect, or some part of Loki has stopped resisting for the time being, because this time when he passes out he stays out. They carry him to his room and hook him up to an IV, mostly in silence until Steve suddenly turns around to see Tony fingering Loki's collar with a look of curiosity. His reaction is swift and intensely protective and his hand closes around Tony's wrist with an iron grip.

'Don't' he orders, a little too sharply. 'It's not a toy - if you set it off again you could kill him.'

Tony is about to argue, but on registering Steve's expression he thinks better of it and backs off, muttering. And when Steve looks for him a minute later, he is gone.

Bruce has checked Loki's vitals again and tidied the bandages where his convulsions had torn them loose. 'I'm hydrating him and giving him broad spectrum antibiotics for the infection,' he tells Steve. 'Other than that he mostly just needs to rest.'

He pauses and touches his fingers to the weak erratic pulse at Loki's throat. 'Steve, i think maybe.. ' but his voice trails off into uncertainty. 

'Is something wrong Bruce? I mean, apart from the obvious?'

But Bruce is shaking his head slowly. 'You know what? Not yet. We've got enough to deal with right now and I want to be really sure. About Loki though - this is going to sound strange, especially coming from me, but go easy on him, ok? He's been through more than we know and there's no telling how he'll react to anything. Violence is probably not the right approach here, that's all I'm saying.'

Steve is bit taken aback by that. He doesn't often get accused of insensitivity, quite the contrary, but he promises to be more circumspect with their new guest. He always takes his friend's opinions seriously and after Bruce leaves, he considers his earlier outburst. Did he overreact? The truth is, Loki confuses him, throws him off guard, and he's not even sure the trickster is entirely doing it on purpose. The vexation he felt earlier at Loki's refusal to comply seems at odds now with the tenderness roused by the god's unmoving form. In sleep, he looks immeasurably more vulnerable, robbed of his wolfish smile, his tricks and cunning. Gazing at Loki now, pale and still and painfully fragile-looking, Steve cannot imagine himself lifting a hand to harm him, or allowing anyone else to lay a finger on him.

Steve puts a few things in order around the room - he really has no idea how to make an Asgardian feel at home but he feels the need to try - then sets off to put his mind at rest about a niggling doubt.

It's always been easy to find Tony. In times of extreme stress he leaves the comfort of the bar and holes himself up in his workshop for hours at a time. Steve can hear the buzz of powertools as soon as the elevator doors open, and he finds his friend hunched over a table, surrounded by miscellaneous equipment. Tony's mouth is set in an angry line and he flips up his protective visor as soon as Steve enters.

'OK, so I've been thinking about what you asked me earlier and I've changed my mind. Actually no, I'm definitely not OK.'

His hands are shaking but Steve wisely doesn't comment on it, he just pulls up a nearby stool and sits down to listen.

'i mean, what the hell..? This is so fucked up in every way imaginable. God.. Did you see his face when the collar went off?' (Steve has in fact been trying without luck to erase that image from his mind for the last half hour) 'This is all just so.. '

Words fail Stark for once and he aims a savage kick at the table, knocking a pile of tiny delicate components onto the floor.

'And you know what's really wrong with all this, the thing I can't get past. I keep thinking about those Asgardian fucks - the thing is, they should be better than us. They've got this technology that's so far ahead of us that it looks like magic, and this is how they use it? To enslave people and fucking torture them ? They don't deserve it. And if this is where Loki came from then I'm not surprised he turned out the way he did. I'd probably go crazy too.'

Steve isn't always in agreement with Stark, in fact they've had several discussions in the past which began at 'heated' and quickly strayed into 'somebody get Bruce out of here before things turn really nasty'. But this time he has to admit that he's been thinking much the same thing. When Steve was a kid, science was the future. It was time travel and space rockets and all mankind's most vivid hopes and dreams.  
Then the war came, and science was still the future, but it was a dark and cruel one, tanks and bombs and death on a grander scale than anyone would have thought possible.  
And now this, science brought all the way back to the Dark Ages. The way forward dragged brutally back into the past. It's medieval what they're doing to Loki, and Steve tells his friend all this, ending with a question. 'When you were examining the collar earlier, what was going through your head? I could tell it fascinated you, and I get that, you're a scientist, but I need to know that that's not your priority - that you won't put Loki at risk just to satisfy your curiosity.'

Tony gives him an appraising look before answering. 'OK sure', he admits, 'I'm aching to crack open that abomination round Loki's neck and find out how it works. And yeah, it's about 20, maybe 25 percent professional curiosity. But mostly I just want it off him and I want it destroyed. And this is somewhere I might actually be able to help. But I swear I won't mess with it unless you ask me to - Loki's your project, not mine.'

Steve gets up, replacing a few fallen objects on the table. 

'You're a good man, Tony Stark, I had no right to question you.'

'Oh no, you totally did. I'm a selfish, conceited dick, ask anyone. I guess Loki just brings out my good side for some reason. Weird, isn't it?'

Again Steve has to agree. 'Well he did bring us all together in the first place. For the God of Lies, he's actually a pretty good influence.'

 

* * * * *

 

Loki sleeps for nearly 24 hours and Steve's there when he wakes up. It's not a coincidence, he's spent most of the last day by his charge's bedside. He's dozing in an armchair and his dreams are fiercer and bloodier than the ones he's used to, full of suffering and cries, and long black strands that curl around his fingers, slicing them to the bone.

He wakes with a start to find himself being watched. Loki's sea-green eyes are fixed intensely on his face and Steve has the sensation of being utterly objectified. It is not one that he enjoys.  
'Pleasant dreams?' asks the god innocently, and a horrible thought occurs to Steve. 'Loki, did you.. The things I was seeing then, were you doing that somehow?'

Loki arches a disdainful eyebrow. 'Do you really think that if even a hint of my magic remained to me, i would waste it on such petty entertainment as that? How trivial you think me. No, your dreams were your own. I simply assumed from your incessant twitching and muttering that they were not happy ones. You woke me up, in fact.'

The captain starts to apologise but Loki waves a dismissive hand. 'I have slept enough. Besides, it was interesting to watch. Clearly you have more of an imagination than I gave you credit for.'

Steve wonders for a panicked moment if Loki can read his mind but instantly banishes the idea. That way madness lies. Meanwhile Loki is pushing the blankets away and picking at the tape holding his cannula in place. 

'Where do you think you're going?'

Loki doesn't look up. 'Surely as my master you have some humiliating task for me to perform? Or if not, I'm certain I am healed sufficiently to be ready for whatever punishment you have devised for me. Surprise me again, Captain, with the extent of your imagination. I am prepared. What would you have me do?'

It is true that the god's injuries already look somewhat improved. The marks on his face are fading and he holds himself a little less painfully. But Steve is well aware that he is simply being goaded and refuses to rise to the provocation. His silence is more effective than he'd intended however and Loki rounds on him savagely. 

'Where are your famed manners now, Captain? Have the courtesy to answer my question. Do what you want with me, take what you want, I care not but I WILL NOT be ignored.'

'And that's exactly how all this got started isn't it?' Steve is instantly ashamed of himself. He had just spoken his thought aloud, but once out it sounds snide and unkind.

Loki's mouth opens with a snarl, but whatever he was going to say, he appears to change his mind and collapses back against the wall with a tired laugh. 'Truly, captain, you are not as I had expected. My stay here might not be as dull as I had at first assumed.'  
This time Steve smiles too. 'It would seem that our assumptions were pretty different then!'

As improved as his condition is, Loki is starting to look drained again and his eyelids are heavy. Steve stands up and hovers awkwardly by the bed.

'Just rest for now, I'll come back later. I put some books by the bed, there's water here, TV, bathroom there, um.. I guess that's it. If you need anything else, just call for Jarvis - I'll explain later. And mostly.. just, don't worry. Whatever happened to you before, it won't happen to you here, I promise. Here you'll be safe.'

Loki shows no sign of having heard him, but there's still one more thing Steve has to ask.

'So.. the collar. That's how it works? The magic doesn't actually make you obey, it just makes the pain unbearable until you do?'

Loki raises weary eyes to his. 'And how would you know what I can bear, Captain?'

Having no answer to this, Steve turns and quietly leaves the room.


	6. Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning to update quite this quickly but this chapter kind of wrote itself, mainly because I wanted to have a go at writing Nick Fury. Not quite sure if it came out ok!  
> Btw, it's a bit late for thankyous, but I did want to credit Joss Whedon for many many stolen plot lines, and also Lise, whose amazing fics made me realise for the first time how good Loki and Steve would be together. Thanks guys! x

Steve lunges forward, pressing Loki to the wall with his full weight. His fists tangle in the thin blue cloth of Loki's shirt and he is acutely aware of the racing of the god's heartbeat. He feels again the slender body beneath his hands, the immense hurt in those piercing green eyes. Loki's mouth is still framing a groan of pain from being thrown bodily backward, and his head is tilted back slightly, exposing his pale throat ringed with metal. The sight incenses Steve and the anger surges through him again, except that this time it doesn't feel quite like anger, it feels deeper and warmer. He hears someone (himself?) growl the word 'mine' as he leans in to sink his teeth into that soft white skin..

Steve Rogers lurches upright in bed, his torso bathed in sweat and his legs caught in a tangle of bedding. He's alone, so nobody hears him mutter softly to himself.

'Oh… my god.'

* * * * *

Steve avoids Loki all that morning. He avoids everyone in fact, afraid that his thoughts and feelings are somehow written across his face. He's never been very good at dissembling, but that hasn't seemed like too much of a problem until now. It doesn't help that he's currently living with three of the most perceptive men he knows. What he really needs is time to figure out what's going on in his own head, without any teasing or mind games, and who knows how long that could take?

But with Steve, responsibility always comes first, and after a vigorous work-out in Stark's basement gymnasium, he takes a quick shower and knocks softly on Loki's door. He's half hoping that nobody will answer, but a mocking voice tells him to 'enter' and he steels himself and steps inside. 

Loki isn't alone. Bruce is sitting on the edge of his bed, supporting the god's arm as he carefully unwinds a bandage from around the bony wrist. Loki still looks exhausted, leaning back against a pile of propped-up pillows, but he seems quite at ease as he remarks casually 'You don't have to knock, you know.'

'Of course I do. This is your room for now and I'm going to respect your privacy. We all are.'

There's a sly gleam in Loki's eyes as he lifts his chin slightly and replies 'Why, one would think you had never owned a slave before. Master.'

Noting the way Loki pronounces those last two syllables, it crosses Steve's mind that the word 'sarcasm' is now wholly inadequate and it might be necessary to invent a new one. 'I think you're well aware that I haven't, Loki. And as far as I'm concerned, this is only a temporary arrangement until we can find a better way to handle things.' He turns to Bruce, 'How's the patient doing?'

Bruce flexes the god's wrist gently, watching his face the whole time for signs of discomfort. Loki flinches once, with a sharp intake of breath, and Bruce makes an apologetic face. 'It's really incredible - his bones are mending, the wounds are already closing up, all at a highly accelerated rate. I'm still worried about the fever though - his temperature hasn't come down as much as I'd hoped.' He puts the back of his hand against Loki's forehead, and Steve is astonished to see that Loki lets him. 'More rest, more fluids, more antibiotics. And for the record, I really don't think that this visit from Fury is a good idea right now.'

Steve is watching the subtle movements as Loki exercises his long fingers one by one, and he takes a second to register Bruce's last comment. 'Fury's coming here? Now? Are you kidding me??'

Bruce looks up, surprised. 'Tony didn't tell you? Huh. Still, I don't blame him - I didn't really want to be around when you found out, either.' He turns back to Loki with an anxious expression. 'Are you really sure you want to do this? As your sort-of-doctor I've told you I'm against it.'

Loki is already manoeuvring himself sideways in order to swing his legs off the bed. The effort clearly costs him, and he leans his head against the wall for a moment, breathing heavily. His long hair falls away from his bent neck, and Steve is reminded with a jolt of his dream, and the brief thrill of domination that had taken over his senses. He looks away, afraid of this new impulse - afraid for Loki, and for himself. 

Bruce hastens to explain, 'You're not going to be happy about this either, Steve, but Loki's adamant that he won't be in bed and in pyjamas when he meets Fury again. Tony's lent him some clothes and there's a conference room on the 64th floor we can use. Can you give us five minutes and we'll all go together?'

Obviously Steve could refuse to let Loki out of bed, and they all know it, but there's a plea in Bruce's tone that makes him relent. And he does understand. The only thing left to Loki is his pride, and a scant enough supply of that. To face the man who orchestrated his defeat is going to be hard enough, but to show the full extent of his weakness - that would be unthinkable for someone like Loki. 

Steve waits outside the room while Bruce helps Loki clean up a bit and get dressed, wondering all the while at the quiet trust that seems to have built quickly between the two. And since he's always honest, even with himself, he admits to a stab of jealousy. Loki is always guarded in Steve's presence, but given their unnatural relationship that's hardly surprising. The god is utterly helpless, subject to his every whim and command, there is nothing he couldn't make him do..

Steve is eminently grateful that the bedroom door opens at that point, and distracts him from that particular chain of thought. Bruce gives him an odd look (he can feel the blush reddening his cheeks) then offers Loki his arm, but the god insists on walking unaided. He is simply dressed in black pants, a black t-shirt and sneakers, all of which, in conjunction with his hair, serve to emphasise his ghostly pallor. He won't accept help, but he moves slowly, without his habitual grace, and keeps one hand on the wall for support. The others stay close behind, ready to catch him if he falls, but he makes it to the end of the corridor without stumbling, and half-collapses against the far wall of the elevator. His forehead is clammy with  
perspiration, but he turns and gives them a gratified 'I told you so' smile. It's a small triumph, thinks Steve, in contrast with world domination, but then things are no longer as they were.

When they finally reach the conference room, Director Fury and Tony Stark are already there, and Fury subjects his erstwhile foe to a long intense scrutiny before offering him a seat. Loki returns the gaze, unblinking, and only when the Director sits down does he lower himself into the nearest chair. He rests his hands lightly on the arms as if on a throne, but Steve can tell it's an attempt to stop them from shaking. He's fairly sure Fury can tell too - the loss of an eye has in no way diminished the man's powers of observation. 

Loki speaks first, his voice light and breezy, 'Director Fury, such a pleasure to see you again.'

'I can't say the feeling is mutual.'

Loki feigns wounded surprise. 'Oh come now. Surely you do not still hold my previous visit against me? Such a small matter in the scheme of things.'

'You meant to destroy us.'

'I meant only to rule you. There is a difference.'

'Well you don't seem to like it much.' Loki stiffens at Fury's words, but the Director continues callously, 'Besides, I don't suppose you've read much of our history, what with being from another planet and thinking you're better than us and all, but here's something you might want to know. We don't take orders from royalty in this country - haven't for a couple of hundred years. So next time you're planning an alien takeover, you'll want to aim for one of those old-school European places where I'm sure they'll think you're hot shit. Either that or you can shut the hell up and start co-operating, as of now.'

Loki's face is unreadable but he refuses to drop his gaze - the pressure in the room is palpable. Fury is tapping his fingers on the large oval table. Then abruptly he gets to his feet and paces around it until he is standing directly behind Loki. Everyone else tenses up except for the god, who just sits silently, staring ahead of him and waiting. He doesn't have to wait for long. Fury's movements are lightning-quick as he grabs Loki's chin, pulling his head back, and holds a razor-sharp blade to his throat.

'No!'

Steve is shocked by the panic in his own voice, but he knows better than to intervene. The situation is far too volatile and the best way to help Loki is to stay calm and see how this plays out. He doesn't notice that he's stopped breathing until his vision starts to swim.

Loki's hands haven't moved from the arms of his chair and he smiles beatifically up at his attacker. 'Have I finally made you desperate enough, Director? Are you ready to do what none of the others will?'  
The hand holding the knife presses just a little harder, just enough to pierce the skin, but then Fury lets go and the weapon vanishes as quickly as it appeared. He moves round to perch on the edge of the table in front of Loki. 'No such luck, Real Power. I just wanted to see if you'd defend yourself. Which is not to say I won't still bleed you dry if you mess with me. Understood?'

'Are you truly threatening me? If so, you should know that there is nothing you can do to me that has not already been done'. 

There's no trace of a bluff in Fury's voice when he answers, 'I'll think of something.'

And that's the moment when Loki breaks. 

His air of relative composure over the last couple of days, it's all been an illusion. Through two years of torture he had at least come to expect the pain and the cruelty, and he'd given up on hope a long time ago. It was the humane treatment he'd received at the hands of the Avengers which unbalanced him, and the knowledge that it wouldn't last, that sooner or later they would turn on him, or give him up to a worse fate than before. And now Fury is adding more mixed messages to his confusion. It's the not knowing that he can't take - the God of Lies is being played at his own game and it's too much, he just wants it over, he wants it all over.

Loki stumbles blindly to his feet, knocking the chair over in his distress. 'Then what?? I am your enemy, I have earned death at your hands a hundred times and yet none of you will kill me. You look after me like a pet, you feed me, clothe me, tend my wounds, but not one of you will offer me the kindness of oblivion. And now more threats. If you plan to torture me, then I beg you to begin, but do not toy with me any more. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??'

Loki's eyes are wild, and he is hyperventilating dangerously. Everyone starts forward, but it is Fury who rights the chair and pushes the god gently into it. Loki slumps forward, his head in his hands, and the Director addresses him in a softer tone. 'I guess it would be hard for you to trust anyone. But believe me, you can trust these guys. Do right by them and they'll do right by you, it's that simple. As for me, no more games, I'll tell you exactly what I want. I want a deal, fair and square.'

Loki looks up from between his hands, his breathing slowing a little.

Fury continues,'You probably know about computer hackers from your last visit. Well we'd be working on more or less the same principle. You've already bypassed our security once which means others can do the same. You agree to show us all the weaknesses and backdoors in our system, or rather our planet, and we grant you amnesty. We square things with Asgard and allow you refugee status and you stay here on earth, working for SHIELD as a, shall we say, consultant. I don't expect an answer right now, but I don't like wasting my time either. Will you consider it?'

Loki pulls himself upright in the chair, and they can see his mind racing as he takes it all in. 'The Aesir, they won't let me go. My sentence won't permit it.'

'We're already working on that - leave it with me. You Asgardians might have the 'magic' and the insanely long lifespans, but we've got the Thirteenth Amendment. Our planet, our rules.'

Loki's eyes are starting to glaze over and his speech is slurring as he asks 'You would join forces with me after what I did to you. Even after I killed your Agent Coulson?'

Fury looks uncharacteristically shifty. 'Yeah well, about that..' 

But this is not the time for revelations. Loki rises unsteadily to his feet and speaks with a quiet dignity. 'You speak well, Director Fury, and I accept your offer. If you can help me, I will attempt to help you. Now if you will please excuse me, I must..'

If Loki had hoped to make it out of the room before collapsing, he had miscalculated. He only makes it two steps before fainting into Steve's waiting arms. Fury watches as the Captain shifts him into a more comfortable position, then holds open the door for them. As Steve passes through, the Director takes a last look at the weakened god pressed limply against his chest. 

'Look after him for us, Captain Rogers - that's a valuable asset you're holding now. I'll be in touch when I know more.'

 

* * * * *

Back in Loki's room, Bruce helps Steve put the god back to bed, fussing like a mother hen. Loki's temperature is up again and Steve can feel the heat radiating off him. Between them they get him to drink some water, holding him as he coughs half of it up, then laying him back on the cool sheets.

Steve volunteers to stay with him again, and Bruce doesn't argue, but he does pull Steve to the corner of the room, out of earshot of Loki.  
His expression is grim. 'I don't want anyone else to know about this, not yet, but the test results are unequivocal. I didn't want to believe it, but… you remember Loki saying just now that there was nothing we could do that hadn't already been done to him. Well.. apparently that includes rape.'

Over the last two days, Steve had begun to believe that nothing could shock him any more. He was entirely and horribly wrong.


	7. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning - this chapter might be a bit horrible. This is that one where things start to come out, and if you don't want to hear about it, just skip it. Then again you'd miss out on some tender Loki/Steve moments - your call!

Steve has never felt so helpless in his life. 

He's out of his depth and out of sight of land, but he has no choice but to keep going. Where will he, all of them, end up? He looks down at Loki, who is tossing fretfully in his sleep. His dark hair spreads out over the pillow and his lips are moving as the fever grips him and conjures up spectres in his mind. What horrors is he dreaming of? Steve can't begin to imagine what has been done to him - his mind simply doesn't work that way - but he'd give anything right now to erase all those images, to exorcise Loki of the memories of his tormented past. 

As Bruce was leaving, Steve had asked him for his advice. 'What do I do? When he wakes up, I mean. Should I tell him that we know?'

The scientist is as lost as he is, 'I honestly don't know, Steve. Just go with your gut. It might be good to get him to talk about it, but I really can't see that happening, can you?' He points to the screen showing Loki's temperature. 'If that goes up even a fraction of a degree you need to call me immediately, OK?'

Steve settles down beside the bed with a book, hoping to take his mind off this newest revelation, at least for a while. Two hours later, he hasn't even opened it. Loki is not an easy patient. When Steve isn't physically preventing him from getting out of bed, he is sponging the god's burning forehead, or responding to fevered pleas for water. Loki keeps trying to throw the sheets off, and becomes agitated when thwarted. It is on the tip of Steve's tongue to tell him to calm down, when he realises the devastating effect that could have if Loki doesn't understand him and fails to respond. He has no idea whether the collar is only activated by conscious disobedience but there's no way he's going to risk it. Instead he just murmurs platitudes in what he hopes is a soothing manner:  
'It's alright, Loki.'  
'You're safe.'  
'Everything's going to be ok.'

Except of course it isn't.

As the night progresses, Loki's hallucinations become more vivid and his cries are now audible and anguished. At one point he seems to mistake Steve for his brother and berates him for his abandonment. A moment later he is begging like a child, 'I'm sorry Thor, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Please. Don't leave me here.'  
With no idea if he's doing the right thing, Steve lets him believe for a while, 'I'm here, Loki. I won't leave you, I promise.'  
At that, Loki's face lights up with emotion and he turns shining eyes on Steve. 'Brother.' There is such love in his voice, and such heartbreak, and when Steve leans forward again to lay the cool cloth on his temple, Loki reaches up to grab at his hand and holds it with a desperate strength. 'Brother,' he whispers again and his eyelashes flutter down onto his cheeks.

Later he becomes distressed again, and struggles to tear off his remaining bandages. 'Loki, please don't,' Steve begs, but the god lashes out wildly, catching him painfully on the cheekbone. Steve grabs his arm, and Loki claws at him with the other like a frightened animal. Worried that he'll hurt himself, Steve grips both his wrists and pins them to the pillow on either side of his head, restraining him bodily. The pinioned god lets out a desperate sob and begins to buck and thrash in terror under him. Instantly Steve realises what he's done, and steps back, horrified. Loki has scrambled backward on his elbows and is staring at him open-mouthed, his head shaking from side to side in disbelief.

'Oh god, Loki, I'm so sorry. I didn't… I wasn't.. ' But Steve can't go on.

Loki's eyes are solemn behind the mask of delirium when he says in a small sad voice. 'No, but you will. They all do.'

 

* * * * *

Loki's fever breaks in the early hours of the morning, and he is quiet at last, sprawled and spent on the large bed. His shirt is soaked with sweat, and Steve is momentarily at a loss as to what to do about it. The last thing Loki needs is to wake up and find someone undressing him, but he could catch pneumonia lying there in wet clothes. Luckily Bruce checks in on them at that point, and Steve steps back to let him peel off Loki's shirt, sponge down his lean muscular chest and back, and pull a clean top over his head. Loki is limp and unresisting, but at one point he looks up and sees Steve watching him, and a knowing look comes over his face that makes Steve shudder to his core.

 

Later when they are alone again, Steve notices that Loki is fidgety and clearly has something on his mind. As calmly as he can, he closes his book and asks if something is wrong. As if he didn't already know the answer to that. 

Now that Loki has his full attention, the god asks bluntly 'I have been ill, with a fever?'

'Yes.'

'I was raving, delirious.'

'Yes.'

'And in my delirium, did I reveal anything to you?'

'…'

Softly, 'Captain, please.'

'Yes, you did.'

Loki nods thoughtfully. 'I would feel more comfortable knowing exactly how much you know about me. For my peace of mind, will you consent to tell me what I said?'

Now is as good a time as any and Steve goes for broke. 'Will you talk about what your other two masters did to you?'

Loki clearly wasn't expecting that. 'Why would I do that?'

'Don't they have therapy on your world? Here we believe that things can sometimes get easier if you talk about them. And anyway, one way of knowing exactly how much I know is to tell me yourself.' It sounds so reasonable as Steve says it, but he's already putting himself in Loki's position. Would he open himself up like that to a stranger, an enemy even? 

Loki appears to be thinking the same thing, and narrows his eyes in suspicion. 'And what would be the advantage to you in hearing what I suffered? Would you use it against me? Or maybe you would enjoy the telling of it?'

'Believe me,' Steve says passionately, 'there's nothing I'd rather hear less. You've been through a nightmare and I'm already sleeping badly enough at the moment thank you very much. But I want us to start trusting each other and only way to achieve that is to be honest with each other. We don't ever need to talk about it again, but I can't help you if I don't know what happened.'

Again Loki looks a little surprised. 'I would not expect you to help me, Captain.' He pauses for a moment. 'Although you are the first being in a long time to even offer. It has been… lonely.'

Steve has a sudden sense memory of stretching out his hand to touch a wildcat once - the aching slowness of it, knowing all the time that the slightest wrong move could cause the creature to bolt. He waits, afraid to push his luck and go too far.

Loki is in his own world anyway, one finger tracing the damage caused by a cuff around his right wrist. He appears fascinated by the ridged scar tissue and holds it up to the light as if he can read something written there. His voice is far-off and musing as he says, 'I think, Captain, that there are some things I will never willingly tell you.'  
It's so subtle that Steve almost misses it, but Loki's hand flits to his collar and his eyes hold Steve's for a moment, before skittering away. Is the trickster telling him that he will talk about his experiences, but that he wants to be ordered to do it? That's.. horrible, but it does sort of make sense. That way he can tell himself that he gave up his secrets under duress and not by choice.  
Steve doesn't know if he's making the worst mistake of his life, but he takes a deep breath and makes the play.  
'Loki, tell me what happened to you over the past two years.'

The God of Lies looks directly at him now, and Steve reads approval in those sharp eyes. And because now he has no choice, Loki begins to tell his story.

 

There are things that Steve wishes that he could unremember. The agony of his transformation as Erskine's serum coursed through his veins; the look on Bucky's face as he plummeted into the ravine; and now there's this.. Loki talks for two hours, his voice flat and his eyes empty, and he describes a hellish existence that no-one should have to imagine, let alone endure. He talks first of his mother's grief and his brother's murderous rage upon hearing his sentence. Thor felt responsible, having been the one who brought Loki back to face such a cruel punishment, and he clearly felt that Asgardian justice had betrayed them both. So furious was he that Loki fully expected him to stage a rescue there and then, but Odin had him removed by magic, and it took Loki several months to finally realise that his brother wasn't coming for him. In fact, he had not been seen since the trial, and Loki was unable to discover his whereabouts. The only member of his family that he was permitted to see was Odin, on that one day a year when he was handed over to a new master. And Odin would tell him nothing, would not even address him directly or look him in the eye. Loki was alone, forsaken, and without hope.

His first master was a Jotunn, one of Laufey's kin, and everything about him was cold. His interest in Loki was as a kind of scientific experiment, and he devised a hundred ways of testing his reactions to heat, cold, pain, isolation and hunger. The workings of the collar fascinated him, and he would issue impossible commands in order to watch Loki writhe in agony, all the time with a look of detached curiosity. Several times he ordered Loki to hurt himself, in order to see which was stronger, his natural pain responses or the induced torment of the collar (the collar won every time, and Loki would break his own bones, or slice deeply into his flesh in order to avoid setting it off.) He was never allowed to speak, unless it were to describe his response to some stimulus or another. It wasn't torture exactly, although the results were the same, but it was entirely dehumanising to be treated as a lab rat, with no more sentience than a beast. But he lived through it, telling himself it was only pain, and that there was nothing he could not endure.

His second master was of Asgard, one of those injured in Laufey's attack. He had caught Loki's attention in the past by his lascivious glances and clumsy attempts to ingratiate himself with the young prince, but Loki had brushed him off contemptuously and thought no more about it. Upon finding out that he was the be the property of this man for twelve months, a cold fear settled in the pit of his stomach, and the moment Odin was gone, he made a desperate break for freedom. His master was expecting this, and ordered him to stop, to return, and then to kneel in front of him. He had clearly been preparing for some time, and gave a series of commands which effectively rendered Loki helpless and entirely at his disposal. This time though, the prince was allowed his voice. 'Beg me,' his master instructed, his tongue twitching repulsively between his thick lips. 'Tell me that you want me to ravish you, to take my pleasure from you again and again until you scream my name. Tell me that you are mine.' At that moment Loki would have given anything in the nine realms to be back with his Jotunn master, pressing his hands into a brazier of burning coals. But there was no escape for him, and just as he felt the band around his neck begin to tingle, he gave in to humiliation and spat out the words that would come to herald his desecration, night after night until he wept and begged his master to kill him. For this ingratitude he was passed around the man's friends (those of them who were willing) and returned to his master having been assaulted by each in turn, and beaten senseless. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, without being pawed, mauled, defiled. He was bruised, filthy and emaciated, and even his master eventually began to lose interest. His treatment of Loki became less lustful, and took the form of whippings, beatings and general physical abuse. He was never given a chance to heal, never a respite, and he grew dangerously ill. His master actually seemed a little relieved when the year was finally up, and he could be rid of the pitiful creature he himself had created.  
Loki had fought back when Odin and his men came to take him, half-crazed with pain, and no longer willing to exchange a known evil for an unknown one. As usual Odin would not speak to him, or answer his questions, but there was an air of subterfuge and Loki understood that this time, something was different. He treasured the brief respite, reaching deep within himself for reserves of strength, and steeling himself for whatever was to come. And then he found himself on Midgard, at the scene of his defeat, and at the feet of his victors. And Steve Rogers was looking at him with something that wasn't hate, or lechery or fear, or cold curiosity. It had been so long that it took Loki a while to recognise Steve's expression as kindness.

'And the rest you know. Have I told you enough? Or shall I go on?'

'No. Stop Loki. Please.' The two of them sit in silence for a while as Steve fights to control his reactions. He has swallowed down nausea more than once, but something makes him want to be strong for Loki. The god needs someone he can lean on, not a fainting weakling, so he waits until his voice is reasonably steady before quietly thanking Loki for trusting him with the truth. Neither of them mention the collar. 

Loki leans back on the pillows, looking wan and worn out, and Steve places a comforting hand on his shoulder. Loki doesn't flinch, and even turns to smile thinly at him. He is suddenly filled with admiration for this remarkable being, in all his power and fragility, who has lived through something that by rights should have torn his psyche to shreds, and he vows silently that he will never, ever, let that happen to him again. Whatever the cost.

He doesn't actually expect an answer when he asks 'How did you survive it? How are you still sane?' 

'Am I?' Loki shrugs. It's the sanest Steve has ever seen him look.

The god turns his head away, but not before Steve has seen tears shining in the corners of his eyes. 'I'm so tired..'

And Steve watches over him as he sleeps.


	8. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for reviewing! Your comments are really keeping me going. I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am (though I don't think that would be possible - I haven't wiped the smile off my face in days!)

When Loki wakes up in the morning he is famished and Steve doesn't think a walk to the kitchen would be overdoing it. In fact, getting Loki showered and dressed, and moving about the building a bit is probably a good step on the way to normality. Nobody mentions Loki's disclosures of the night before, but they're not exactly avoiding the subject either, the words are just there between them, stark and unretractable. 

As before, the god won't accept assistance on the way through the building, but Steve notices that he is more upright and steadier on his feet. He is still limping badly though, and presses one hand to the left side of his stomach where a particularly deep knife wound is proving slow to heal. 

Tony is on a video call to Fury when they arrive at the kitchen and they can hear the Director's voice '...and tell that arrogant little..' Tony mutes the sound as the door opens and makes an exaggerated cut-throat gesture at Fury before hanging up. He turns and smiles disarmingly at Loki. 'OK, I'm not even going to pretend that wasn't about you. But I wouldn't take it personally, you should hear what he calls me.'

Loki smiles wryly and slides on a bar stool by the breakfast counter. 'I have been called worse, often by members of my own family. Besides, some of SHIELD's enemies are not unimaginative in their names for Director Fury.'

'Oh you are going to have to tell me some of those. Trade you for some breakfast?'

Loki nods, poker-faced. 'Your terms are acceptable, Stark.'

Steve settles himself next to Loki at the counter. 'You wouldn't think it but Tony's actually a pretty good cook. I'd recommend the pancakes.'

Loki eats ravenously, as if he hasn't been fed in weeks (and for all they know, he hasn't). And while they eat, Tony fills them in on the news from Fury. 'It's nothing solid yet, but he thinks they might have a lock on your brother' (Loki's hand freezes on his way to his mouth.) 'Don't worry, I'll keep you posted. Fury sounded kinda tense though - not that he doesn't always - but I get the impression something is going on, aside from our little slumber party.'

'You mean I am no longer SHIELD's number one priority? I may take offence at that.' It's hard to tell whether Loki is joking or not, but Steve gives him the benefit of the doubt. In any case, Loki carries on helping himself to pancakes with maple syrup and bacon at an alarming rate. 

'..Jesus, you eat fast!' Tony moves back into the kitchen to cook up a second batch of everything. 'Hey, God v. Food, you want some more coffee too?'

This is almost.. normal, thinks Steve as he listens to the wary banter between the other two. Any moment now, something is going to go wrong. Instantly he berates himself for being so pessimistic. Then again he's a soldier; he should have learnt to trust his instincts..

Tony is leaning over the counter with the frying pan to slide a piece of French toast onto Loki's plate, and as he does so the slice misses the dish and falls into Loki's lap, bouncing off onto the floor. Tony's reflexes are pretty quick, and he grabs a dish towel off the counter to wipe the greasy smear off Loki's jeans, but in an instant his brain catches up and he snatches his hand away, looking aghast. 'Fuck, I'm sorry! I mean.. um..'

Loki, unfortunately, is also pretty quick. He goes pale and turns to Steve, disbelief written all over his face. 'You told him??'

Steve looks from him to Tony and back again. 'No! Of course not. Tony?'

Loki stumbles to his feet and takes a step back. He has eyes only for Steve. 'You talk of trust between us, and yet you worm my darkest secrets from me in order to share them with your friends? Who else knows?'

Steve just gapes at him, helplessly.

'Who else??' Loki hisses at him, cat-like.

Don't lie, don't lie, that'll only make it worse. Something tells Steve that the only way forward at this point is absolute brutal honesty. 'Bruce knows. He's a doctor. But I swear to you I don't know how Tony...'

Loki's fist collides with his jaw with a crack and he staggers back a step. Weakness is clearly relative, as the god still packs a hell of a punch. 

'Trust is for children,' Loki spits, green eyes blazing.'I should have known better!' And he sweeps out of the room before Steve can pull himself together enough to stop him.

Tony stares after him for a moment, open-mouthed, then turns around to find himself face to face with a very very angry Steve Rogers.

'Do you realise what you've just done, Stark? We were finally getting somewhere - he was starting to trust me, and now we're back to square one, or worse! How in god's name did you find out? Bruce would never have told you, so how?'

Tony has the decency to look down, embarrassed. 'Shit, I really screwed up, didn't I? It was an accident though, I swear. OK, this is how it happened - I was in bed last night and Jarvis woke me up because he said that Loki had been talking to you for quite a while, and you'd been showing signs of severe distress. He actually said 'severe' - that just didn't sound like you, you're all hard-bitten and soldiery and I was worried Loki was up to his old tricks. Like maybe he was messing with your head, trying to make you do stuff. Seriously, I would never usually do this, but I got Jarvis to listen in, just to make sure you were OK. It can't have been more than a minute, but... god.. it was enough. About.. well, you know what I heard. And now I'm desperately trying to act normal, to pretend I don't know, and it's all I can do not to grab him and just hug him. Except that would probably be a really bad idea under the circumstances. That poor bastard.. Anyway, I guess I was concentrating so hard on being normal that I dropped the ball. But I need to help make this right again, Steve. What can I do, damage control-wise? Please?'

Steve doesn't do grudges, not where they aren't deserved, and he puts a hand on his friend's shoulder. 'Thank you. Anything you can do to help him trust us again is going to be a big help.' He doesn't add how little he rates their chances. Instead he just slumps despondently at the bar. 'I'm out of my depth here, Tony. Half the time I think I'm making progress, and the other half I wonder if I'm making things worse. Seriously, what am I doing?'

'Same as you always do. The best you can, no matter what the cost. Odin trusted you with his son, and he was right to. I think even Loki...'

Steve looks up at the sudden silence. Tony is staring at him and his expression is grim. 'And now we've got another problem on top of everything. How the hell did Loki just punch you??'

Oh.

 

 

Tony recovers first. 'Jarvis, find Loki, and quickly'.  
The AI responds immediately. 'Sir, Mr Odinson is on this floor, by the elevators, and he appears to involved in some sort of a skirmish.'

Steve reaches the door a second before Tony, but they are both thinking the same thing. If Loki is free, if he's unconstrained by his collar, what is he capable of in his current emotional state? And what will they have to do to stop him?

As it turns out, the god hasn't harmed anyone, on the contrary, he is backed into a corner and doing everything he can to stave off a black-clad attacker. He isn't fighting back, just ducking and blocking, but he's worn out and half of the blows find their mark. The onslaught is savage and ruthless, and as Loki's back hits the wall, the man drives his fist into the god's stomach. Then as Loki doubles over, he grabs a handful of the dark hair and hauls him upright so that their faces are only inches apart. Steve can't see the man's features at this distance, but he recognises the fighting style, and his heart drops. Clint Barton.

'Stop!' The word is barely out of his mouth when Loki freezes, and Clint takes the opportunity to wrap both hands round his neck and squeeze.

Protective rage surges through Steve and he hurtles down the hallway, closely followed by Tony. As he nears them he can see the blood running down Loki's face from a head wound, and underneath that, his eyes seeking out Clint's and his lips moving quietly. Steve is just about to tear Barton away bodily when the assassin suddenly lets go, and Loki drops to the ground like a stone. Barton stands back, his arms folded, looking down impassively at the god as he curls up around himself, gasping for air. His expression changes to one of curiosity as Steve moves to stand possessively over Loki, like a guard dog. Having satisfied himself that Clint is now done, he crouches down and tries to help the stricken god, but Loki pushes him away, coughing, and sits up unsteadily. 

'Stark,' he says, his voice rough, 'would it be too much of an imposition to ask you to accompany me to my room?'

'Not a problem.' Tony nods at Steve and Clint. 'You two probably need to have a conversation anyway. We'll be fine.' And he stands back while Loki drags himself to his feet. 

Once they are out of earshot, Steve turns to Clint, who is still eyeing him watchfully. 'That was poorly handled - I'm sorry. I thought Fury would have told you about Loki by now. We're..'

'He did tell me.'

The anger rises again in Steve, but he forces himself to keep his voice level. 'You knew? And you attacked him anyway?'

Barton holds his gaze and there isn't a trace of remorse in his eyes as he nods slowly.

Steve is struggling now to keep his composure. 'But Fury wants Loki alive, he's useful to SHIELD. There's no way he'd let you kill him.'

'I take my orders from SHIELD, but what I do outside that is my own business. I had to come and see him for myself.'

'And now that you have?'

Clint looks down at his bleeding knuckles, and flexes his fingers with a mirthless smile. 'I can't say that that didn't feel good. Or that I don't like the idea of the guy who made me his personal slave getting a taste of his own medicine. But mostly I just think this is a bad idea. Whatever Odin may have told you, Loki can't be trusted. He'll find a way to turn this situation to his advantage and we'll all end up paying for it.'

Steve feels the rage start to subside, and notes with surprise that his hands are clenched into fists at his sides. He relaxes them and adopts a less aggressive stance. 'I appreciate your concern Clint, and I know you had it worse than the rest of us two years ago. But you're wrong about Loki, and I'll prove it to you. One more thing though - you're my friend and I respect you, but if you attack him again, I will stop you, and I won't hold back, OK?'

'Sounds fair. And for the record, if he goes full supervillain again, I will kill him, and I won't ask you for permission first.'

'I guess we're clear then.' Steve wipes a hand over his face, suddenly very tired. 'That's one problem sorted, I'd better go and deal with the others.' 

He has already pressed the elevator button before he remembers something, and holds the door open while he calls after Clint.

'By the way, what did Loki say to you earlier, while you were trying to strangle him?'

Clint pauses but doesn't turn around. 'He said he was sorry.'

 

* * * * *

 

'Did you tell him too?' Loki asks as Steve enters his room.

'No, of course not.' Steve crosses over to where Loki is sitting in a chair by the window, staring out across the city. His anger seems to have abated, but there is an emptiness in his voice and Steve's heart goes out to him. He sounds so lost.

'I can explain,' he begins, but Loki cuts him off, 'There is no need. Stark has already told me what transpired, and that you were not to blame.' 

'And do you believe him?'

'Does it matter?'

'Of course it matters! I want you to trust me. You have to believe that I would never betray your confidence like that - the last thing I want is to hurt you.'

Loki looks at him quizzically. 'Why is it so important to you, my trust? You already have my obedience, is that not enough?'

'No, it isn't. That's not by choice - don't you get the difference?'

Loki squeezes his eyes shut tight. 'You desire the truth? Very well. The truth is that I do believe you, but I wanted not to believe you.'

'Why on earth..?'

Loki heaves a deep sigh. 'Because. Lies are easier. I know where I am with lies.' They sit quietly together for a moment, watching the rainclouds gather over the city. Then Loki goes on, 'When I thought that you had betrayed me, that you were all disgusted by me and what I had done, it wasn't just my pride that was wounded. It.. it hurt.'

He looks at Steve, his eyes shining with emotion, and Steve is utterly undone. 'Loki, you've got it all so wrong. Nobody's disgusted by you - that's not why Tony reacted like that, he was just afraid he'd done the wrong thing and upset you. As for pride, you don't want people to know what happened to you because you think they'll see you as weak or pitiful. But when they look at you now they know that you're not weak, you're stronger than anyone. You're a survivor and one of the bravest people I know, and you should be proud of that.' 

Loki doesn't speak for a while, and when he does, his voice is so soft as to be almost inaudible. 'Please could I be alone for a while?'

Steve doesn't want to leave him, but he has to respect Loki's wishes. As he closes the door gently, the last thing he sees is a shudder run down the god's spine as he lowers his head silently into his hands.

* * * * *

 

In his own room that night, Steve gives serious thought to Loki's newfound ability to hurt him. He recalls for the first time the flailing arm that had bruised his cheek during Loki's delirium. And yet Loki is still prevented by the collar from injuring others, hence the one-sided fight with Clint earlier. He remembers his exact wording - 'don't hurt my friends - don't hurt anyone else either'. Is it possible that by not explicitly including himself, he has left himself vulnerable to attack? He remembers Loki's comment about loopholes - exact wording is always important in magic, isn't it? He vaguely remembers children's stories from his youth in which the misreading of a spell could have disastrous consequences. Well if it's that simple, it's easily solved. He just has to go into Loki's room and order him not to hurt or kill him, Steve Rogers. If he's noticed a crack in the binding spell, there's no way Loki hasn't. 

But he doesn't do that. He washes his face, brushes his teeth, changes into pyjama bottoms and gets into bed. Trust can't be forced, it's earned over time, and how could you expect someone to truly trust you if you obviously didn't trust them? Just before he's ready to go to sleep, Steve gets out of bed again, pads across the room on bare feet, and unlocks the door between his room and Loki's. Then he gets back into bed, and turns off the light.


	9. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your reviews - some lovely comments there, it makes this even more rewarding! Annie, thanks for mentioning the pacing - I was worried it wasn't moving along quickly enough, I just want it to be plausible and trust takes time. (Not too much time, of course - I want to see how it turns out and I'm impatient!) x

This time Steve's dreams are not about violence or desire, instead he finds himself searching for something precious, something he never realised he wanted until now. He doesn't know what it looks like, but he'll know it when he sees it. And the longing is like a weight on his chest, making it hard to breathe. 

He wakes up gasping, and unsure of his surroundings. He looks around the unfamiliar room as his eyes adjust to the darkness and gradually he remembers where he is. First the pale glow of the window, then the furniture materialises, and the outline of the door to the next room. And next to it.. Steve's heart leaps into his throat as he makes out a dark shape against the wall. It is motionless, just standing there as if waiting for something, perhaps for him to fall asleep again. He had been so confident last night when he unlocked the door. What on earth had he been thinking? He feels a cold stab of fear in the pit of his stomach as the shadow detaches itself from the wall and glides toward his bed. It pauses at the base and stands there for what seems to Steve like an eternity. And finally, when he thinks he must turn on the light and confront his visitor, the figure lets out a whisper of a sigh, turns, and drifts back toward the door to the adjoining bedroom.

'Loki, wait!'

The god obeys, standing stock still and silent in the middle of the room. 

Steve considers his next words very carefully. 'Are you ok? Do you need something?'

He wishes he could see Loki's face, but it is still too dark to make out his features as he says stumblingly, 'I.. do not know why I came.'

'Couldn't you sleep? Are you in pain?'

Silence.

'Bad dreams?'

'I do not dream. Not any more.'

'Why don't you come and just sit by the bed then. There's a chair over there.' Steve shifts himself into a sitting position and runs a hand through his hair. Loki moves the chair close to the bed and settles into it. His face is now almost visible, his eyes huge dark holes against the whiteness of his skin, like a ghost. There's a strange quality to his voice when he speaks,'For months, I thought that all I wanted was to be left alone, really alone. But now when I am, I find that is is too quiet.'

Loki shifts restlessly in the chair, 'I am not at ease in my own company, Steve Rogers. What should I do about that?'

'Umm.. '

Loki laughs softly, and the sound ripples up Steve's spine. 'Would it displease you if I stayed?' asks the god, slipping from the chair onto the side of the bed. 'Or should I go back to my own cold bed, and lie there alone in the dark? Tell me what I should do.'

This is just another dream, thinks Steve, this can't actually be happening, can it? Until a cool hand presses against his bare chest. Loki is kneeling on the bed beside him, watching his own hand move up and down with every breath Steve takes. It is an oddly childlike gesture, until the god's fingers begin to drift downward and Steve grabs his wrist firmly. Loki's eyes are silver in the moonlight as he raises them to Steve's face. 

'Loki, what are you doing?'

'What you won't ask me to,' the god purrs, sliding down under the covers. Steve is still holding his wrist against his chest, and Loki curls his fingers into claws, his fingernails gently raking Steve's skin. 'You wish us to be honest with each other. Will you be honest with me now? Do you find me attractive, my Master?' And he presses his long supple body against Steve's with a low hum of contentment.

Steve has been called a hero many times during his life, but he's never ever thought of himself as one until now, as he gently detaches himself and moves away across the bed. 

'I'm sorry, Loki, but this is not going to happen. I don't even know what 'this' is.'

Loki sits up too, pulling his shirt around him. 'I told you,' he snaps, 'it was too quiet. But I should not have come, I will not trouble you further.'

And suddenly Steve understands. 'You didn't want to be alone, and you thought that if you seduced me, I'd let you stay.' Oh Loki. 'There are other ways to be close to someone. Or have you forgotten?'

And Steve hears the god's breathing start to quicken in a way he has already begun to recognise. 'No no, it's ok, Loki, please just stay calm..' The god draws in a sobbing breath and then another, and Steve can't stand it any more, he covers the space between them and takes Loki in his arms and just holds him while the tremors convulse his slight body. 'Shh, shh,' he murmurs into the soft hair, 'I have you.' And his fingers smooth back the dark locks, tracing the lines of Loki's face. He touches the smooth skin, the scars, the plaster over the gash on his forehead and as he feels the god's breathing slow down a little, he leans over him and whispers, 'You're so beautiful.'

Together they slip down again under the sheets, and he continues to hold Loki tight as he trembles against his chest. 'Are you scared?' he asks, as they are on the verge of falling asleep.

Long eyelashes flutter against his cheek and he hears the word 'No.' 

And then a second later, 'Yes. But please don't go.'

 

* * * * *

Steve wakes up early and this time there is no confusion - he knows exactly where he is. He looks down at the sleeping figure still cradled in his arms, at the smooth lines of that clever handsome face in repose. Loki sleeps like the dead. For a while, Steve just watches him, memorising every inch, trying to fix this moment in his heart. Because all this, he knows it isn't going to last. Deep down he knows that he can't keep Loki safe forever, that he'll lose him, and that Loki will die. And that thought terrifies him more than anything else in his life. When exactly did it begin, this vast tenderness?

Loki wakes abruptly, his eyes instantly alert. Steve half-expects indifference, recrimination or a show of haughty disdain, but instead the god thanks him quietly and makes as if to leave. 'You were kind,' he says with sincerity, 'and I have learnt of late not to take kindness for granted.' He bows his head slightly and turns to go, but Steve puts out a hand to his. 'You don't need to go. Unless you want to, that is. But having you stay here, it wasn't just kindness, it was.. nice, for me too.'

Loki lies down again, but doesn't quite relax. 'What I did and said last night, I am sorry that I made you uncomfortable.' (Oh, you have no idea, thinks Steve.) 'You were right' Loki continues, 'I had forgotten how to simply take comfort from someone else. I will not try to tempt you like that again.' 

Steve is alarmed by the rush of disappointment he feels at that, but what he says is 'It's a big bed, you can come and sleep here any time you want, just promise to knock, ok? You scared the hell out of me last night?'

Loki's smile is teasing and a little shy. 'Because you feared I had come to kill you?'

Huh. Steve is actually glad the subject has been broached at last, he'd been wondering how to handle it. 'Maybe a a little, yes. Can you blame me?'

'No, but there is no benefit in killing you now. I still wouldn't be able to escape, and Odin would simply come and take me to my next owner. Who I have no doubt would be a worse proposition than you.'

Steve laughs, 'So that's your reason for not killing me, because there's no advantage to you? I'm very flattered!' And a little hurt, but he's not going to let Loki see that.

The god's answering grin reminds him with a jolt of unease of the old Loki, and the thought crosses his mind that if this is a game they're playing, there is no way he is going to win. But then he feels those cool fingers seek out his chest again and settle over his heart, and he covers them with his own. And Loki curls against his side, in the crook of his other arm and yawns sleepily. And for a while the future simply doesn't matter because this is here, and now, and it is perfect.


	10. Rift

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys make me really happy - thanks for the new reviews!  
> This chapter's a bit unusual in that there are traces of a plot in it. I'm as surprised as anyone..  
> Please enjoy responsibly!

They get up late, and Steve suggests that they leave through their own bedroom doors, just in case anyone is passing. Loki doesn't comment, and they go upstairs to the kitchen together acting as if nothing had passed between them the night before.

Steve isn't sure if Clint is staying on in Stark Tower yet, but if he is, he warns Loki to stay out of his way as much as possible. 'He's volatile and you're infuriating', he points out, 'so the less time you spend around each other, the better. I don't want to have to keep breaking up fights between you two.'

'He started it', Loki mumbles sulkily, slouching against the wall of the elevator.

'Well no, technically you started it when you tried to take over the planet and brainwashed him into helping you, but that's hardly the point. He doesn't trust you, and I don't want to give him a reason to act on that, ok?'

Loki rolls his eyes but agrees. Steve is beginning to suspect that the god isn't a morning person - he's habitually grouchy for some time after being cajoled out of bed. Then again, it could also be a burgeoning caffeine addiction - Loki heads straight for the coffee machine and helps himself to a triple espresso before stopping to acknowledge the other people in the room. 'Stark, Doctor Banner,' he nods over the top of his cup, then closes his eyes blissfully as he takes his first sip.

'You're a quick learner,' Tony observes, 'Steve's been coming here for two years and he still hasn't worked out how to use that thing.'

'Hey, give me a break,' protests Steve, 'I had a lot of catching up to do, and kitchen appliances weren't exactly top of my priority list.' 

Tony flashes him a cheeky grin then turns back to Loki. 'Seriously, my grandmother had a better grasp of modern technology. And don't even get him started on 'the Interweb'..'

Steve gave up on being offended by Tony's jibes a long time ago, and anyway, he understands what he is trying to do and is grateful. Stark is trying to make Loki feel like less of an outsider by pointing out that none of them strictly fit in. What he doesn't expect is for Loki to quietly step in in his defence.

'I suspect that Captain Rogers' talents lie elsewhere and are no less valuable for that.'

Embarrassed, Steve changes the subject, 'Has Fury made any progress with Asgard yet? There must be some kind of court of appeal so we can get Loki's sentence overturned. Refugee status isn't going to help him a whole lot when Odin decides to come and get him in a year's time.'

Tony shakes his head. 'Nothing so far. Fury's playing it close to his chest, as usual.' He turns to Loki, 'As for the refugee thing, you can probably go one better than that. I had a friend a while back, a particle physicist, French, great legs and really really bendy (that's not actually relevant, I'm just saying), anyway, she got a priority entry visa to the States as an 'Alien of Extraordinary Ability'. I'm not kidding, it's a thing. And if anyone's eligible for that, you are. Even without the magic, you know stuff that none of the rest of us do, about alien technology and other dimensional planes, right?'

Loki is watching him, green eyes narrowed, as if he suspects what's coming next. Tony takes a deep breath, casts an anxious look over at Bruce, and says 'And bearing that in mind, we might just need your help with something..'

* * * * *

'I cannot yet tell its purpose, but I believe this device to be Chitauri in origin. The design is certainly familiar.' Loki is circling the object, an ornate metallic rod about a foot long, currently lying in the centre of a workbench in Stark's weapons lab. 'A relic of the previous battle perhaps?'

Bruce and Tony exchange another look, and Bruce takes over, 'That's what we thought at first, but no, this is something new. Fury sent it over as soon as he got it.. from Asgard.'

Loki's head jerks up. 'This came from Asgard? How?' He looks from one to the other urgently but both men are now avoiding his gaze. 'Thor. Thor sent it to you!' Bruce gives a slight nod, and Loki pauses for a moment before continuing. 'Thor is in contact with SHIELD, he has persuaded Heimdall to open a portal between the two realms. And now he is in conference with them about an alien threat.'

Tony steps toward him, his hand outstretched, 'Loki..' but the god turns his back abruptly and he falls silent. They all watch as Loki's shoulders slump - his whole body appears to slump - and he shakes his head slowly from side to side. 'Then he must know that I am here, yet he does not come.'

Nobody knows quite how to respond, but Tony has a go all the same. 'I think we can all assume he's got a damn good reason though. We're all assuming that, yes?'

Steve moves to put a hand on Loki's shoulder, but when the god looks up, his eyes are blank. 'Don't, Captain. I will be fine. I will stay here and help Stark and Banner examine the device, perhaps I can be of some use to them.'

Loki doesn't come to Steve's room that night, or the nights after that, although he continues to leave his door unlocked just in case. The god is civil, helpful even, but something is missing in him, something that had somehow survived intact through two years of torture. He had always been able to believe that Thor could not come to save him, that he had been prevented by powers beyond his control. But now he has to accept that Thor has simply chosen not to come. He spends all day in the laboratory, supervised of course, testing the Chitauri device, helping to build safeguards around it, never mentioning Thor but instead concentrating all his attention on the task in hand. Steve goes back to his normal routines, but he too is lacking something, and his former life seems hollower and duller than he remembered it. He barely crosses paths with the god until almost a week has passed, when he seeks him out deliberately. This has gone far enough.

Loki is now all but guaranteed to be at one of two places - the laboratory or the coffee machine, and Steve finds him at the latter, staring into space with a mug clutched between both hands. His face is drawn and tired, and there are dark smudges under his eyes. He looks up as Steve enters, and a trace of a smile plays on his lips, before that blank mask falls again. 'Good afternoon, Captain, I trust you are well.'

'I'm fine, Loki. But clearly you're not. Look at you, you're exhausted, you barely sleep, you haven't eaten properly in days. Steve and Bruce tell me you're pretty much living on coffee at the moment and it shows - your hands are shaking badly .' 

It's true, and Loki drains the mug and slams it down, glaring at Steve all the time. 'What do you want?' he asks, and there's a coldness there that Steve hasn't heard before.

'I want you to start looking after yourself. You'll be no good to the others if you carry on like this.'

'I have work to do,' Loki snaps, 'I do not have time to indulge myself, or you.' He starts to push past Steve, but the Captain catches him by the arm. Loki whips round, fire in his eyes. 'Don't dare to order me! I swear to you, if you try to control my actions in this, i will not be forgiving. You can never again hope for my trust, or my cooperation. Now. Let. Me. Go.' 

Steve reluctantly loosens his grip and Loki knocks his hand away, backing off slowly until he collides with the table and stops short. Steve realises he's at an impasse here, he wants Loki to slow down, but he can't abuse his power and make him. He tries a different tack, 'What if I can get Fury to contact Thor..?'

Wrong move. At once Loki's anger turns nasty and he hisses, 'You think I care for that witless oaf? He is nothing to me, do you understand? You are all nothing to me! Why can't you leave me be, always prying, questioning me, using me.' He starts to advance on Steve, his teeth bared, his eyes fierce. 'You think you understand me but you cannot even begin to know what I am.'

Defensive now, Steve protests, 'How can I? I hardly ever see you now! You spend all your time in the lab with the others.'

And with that, he's put a weapon directly into Loki's hands. The god puts his head on one side and grins spitefully. 'Is that what bothers you? The pangs of jealousy? Oh Captain, was I to be yours alone?'

Stay calm, stay calm, you know exactly what he's doing. He's hurt and angry and resorting to mind-games again to gain the upper hand. Rise above this. But he feels the anger bubbling up, all the greater because he knows Loki is right. Loki sees it too, and he smiles, eyes like daggers.'The truth burns, does it not?'

Yes. It does. And so does anger, and suddenly Steve doesn't want to control it any more. He leaps forward, grabbing Loki and slamming him back onto the table with a growl of rage. He sees fear flash across that pale face, but still the god laughs wildly and twists under him, half struggling to escape, half wanton. The thought crosses Steve's mind for the first time that Loki might actually be insane, dangerously, irreparably so. But in his heart he knows it isn't true, it's just the excuse they've always used for someone who resists explanation. Looking down at the lovely, malevolent, helpless, powerful creature trapped and writhing beneath him, Steve's dream comes back to him in vivid colour, and he forces himself to take a step back, but the rage is still there, needing release. Loki is half-lying across the table, no longer laughing, his eyes savage, and Steve lets the truth spill out of him, he can no longer help himself.

'Is this what you want? You want me to hurt you because you hate yourself that much? When are you going to stop trying to prove that you're worthless? Because you think you've driven away the one person who cared for you most in the world and you're damned if you'll let anyone else even try and care about you. Well I can't do it any more, Loki, I can't help you. It's too much.' Loki is staring up at him now, his eyes wide, like someone who's just been woken from a dream. But he can't stop. 'I'm done trying. Go and work yourself to death in the lab. I won't stop you.' And he barely has time to register the look of desolation on Loki's face before he strides out of the room.

He makes it out of the building and the length of an entire block before the raging emotions subside, and he is able to think clearly again. Instantly he is filled with shame and remorse. How is it that it is so hard to control himself around Loki? He has never felt like this with anyone - the desire to protect him, coupled with endless frustration seem to vent themselves in ways he could never have expected. He remembers the god's desperate plea, 'What do you want from me?'. What indeed?

But no, that's a cowardly lie. He knows exactly what he wants from Loki, he just can't admit it to himself. 

He turns into an alleyway and leans against the wall, breathing heavily. It's time to man up and start acknowledging what has been there from the very beginning. He thinks back on his gentle courtship of Agent Carter, which seems a world away from the rawness and power of his feelings for Loki. And finally, with no-one there to hear him, he closes his eyes, tilts his face up to the sky, and says the words out loud.

'God help me, Loki, I am so in love with you I think I might be going crazy.'

And that's it. The world doesn't end, he doesn't implode or burst into flames or anything like that. He's just a guy standing in an alley, suddenly desperate to go back to Stark Tower and start making this right. What was the last thing he said? 'Go and work yourself to death?' Stupid, stupid.. He needs to get back to Loki immediately and cancel the command, then apologise and start making it up to him. Happiness fills his heart at the prospect, and he pushes himself away from the wall.

And then the world does end. 

Or rather it vanishes, as he is drawn upward helplessly in a rushing tunnel of coloured light. He loses track of time amidst the roaring in his ears, and closes his eyes against the brightness, and only when he hears a muffled voice calling his name as if from a great distance does he attempt to open them again. 

'Captain! Captain Rogers!' 

The colours are gone, and all around him is darkness except for the flickering of a small fire. And bending over him, his face grave in the firelight, is Thor.


	11. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's got a different kind of cliffhanger at the end, sorry to leave it there..  
> Thanks again though for reading, and reviewing, all you lovely people! X

A number of thoughts and questions jostle for position in Steve's head, and he picks one at random, perhaps not in retrospect the most pressing.

'Um, did you hear what I just said back there?'

Thor sits back on his heels and regards him with curiosity.

'No, was it of import?'

'Not really, I'm just...' Steve looks around dazedly, at the cave mouth behind Thor, at the sky, at the unfamiliar arrangement of stars. 'This isn't Earth, is it?'

'It is not. Heimdall has brought you to Asgard at my request, since we have questions for you.' 

Steve's confusion reaches critical mass, and everything starts spilling out in no particular order, 'You have questions for me?? How did I get here? Who's Heimdall? How much do you know about Loki? Can we speak to Odin about him?' He takes a deep breath, regaining control. 'Thor, where you have been???'

Thor too takes a deep breath, and his expression turns grim. 'To tell you of all that has transpired since last we met would take an age. But I will reveal to you what I can. When I brought Loki back to Asgard after the battle, I had thought to see him confined to our dungeons, or at worst, banished to a place from whence he might not return. I little thought to see him handed over to fiends and torturers, and all this with the willing consent of our father.' Darkness clouds Thor's face, 'But those who dared to make foul sport of my brother have paid for their crimes in full, you may assure him of that.' 

It crosses Steve's mind that if Thor is crossing off Loki's former masters, he will logically be next in line. How much does Thor know, and not know? He realises he's taking his life into his hands as he ventures 'You know that Odin turned Loki over to me, that he's now under my.. care?' 

The darkness lifts and Thor looks at him with such gratitude and affection that he feels unworthy, remembering how he left things with Loki. Thor reaches over and grasps his hand warmly. 'I will be forever in your debt, Steve Rogers, for what you have done for my brother, you, and Banner and Stark, but especially you. I had begun to think Loki beyond help, but you can bring him back to himself, I know it. Ask anything of me, I will deny you nothing.'

Steve presses Thor's hand briefly and releases it, guilt still squirming in his gut. 'All I want is for you to help Loki. This can't go on any longer. I wish I could say I was looking after him, but the truth is he isn't in a good way. He thinks you don't care about him any more and it's killing him. Literally. Why haven't you contacted him in all this time?'

He sees his guilt reflected on Thor's face as the god speaks, 'I could not. Our father had Heimdall send me into exile on an uninhabited planet when he learnt that I planned to rescue Loki. Had Heimdall not released me a short while ago, I would be imprisoned there still. And now that I know everything that Loki suffered, how can I look upon his face or speak to him? Only when I have secured his freedom will I allow myself to face him again and ask for his forgiveness, although I know that I have failed him and do not deserve it.' Thor bows his face, overcome with emotion, before continuing. 'As for Odin, he believes in the letter of the law and will not be swayed. But others of us feel that the laws are outdated and cruel and must be changed. Asgard must look to the future now.'

'Either that, or Asgard will fall.'

Steve looks up in alarm at the voice resonating from within the cave, and sees a figure emerge, tall and imposing and wearing a golden horned helmet reminiscent of Loki's. Thor gestures him over and he stands watchfully by, like a sentry. 

'Heimdall is my greatest ally here on Asgard,' Thor explains, 'He sees much, on many worlds, including your kindness to my brother, but there are things which elude even his gaze. The Chitauri are back, and this time they seek the Tesseract on our world.'

Heimdall takes up the tale, 'There are few of them left after you destroyed their army, but those who remain have found hidden paths in and out of Asgard, and we fear for the safety of the Infinity Stone. We are not strong, for Odin's rule is wavering, and the loss of our two princes has left us with weakened defences. In addition there is civil discord in our realm since..' Heimdall pauses and looks to Thor, waiting for his nod before continuing. 'It was Prince Loki's punishment which sowed the seeds of dissent. Many were troubled by the severity of the sentence, especially when we were forced to witness the results day after day, in our own city. People heard things, abhorrent rumours, and cries in the night. Some pleaded with Odin for clemency, but he would not be seen to disobey the law, especially not to make an exception for his own son. It torments him, he is a broken old man, but still he will do nothing. Frigga is sick and has taken to her bed, we are without leadership and at the mercy of our enemies. A number of us are now resolved to put Thor on the throne, and thus bring order back to our realm. But we also need the aid of Midgard. We were able to seize a strange device from one of the Chitauri warriors during an attack, and send it to your SHIELD. Being unsure of its purpose, we needed to deliver it as far from the Tesseract as we could, and we also hoped that you could use your technology to prise its secrets from it. We must know if you have learnt anything of value that can help us defeat them. Revolution, and war, are upon us, and the future of Asgard hangs in the balance.'

'The device should be safe with you at least,' adds Thor. 'We are in contact with Nick Fury and yourself, as the leaders of your world.'

Steve nearly chokes, 'You know I'm not actually.. never mind, another time. The thing is, Fury's got Earth's, sorry, Midgard's best scientists working on it, but they need more time. Loki's helping them too. By the way, I'm guessing he's safer with us for the time being, until you can straighten things out on Asgard?' 

Thor nods sadly. 'When you return to him, tell my brother.. tell him that.. ' 

'Don't worry about it, Thor. All he needs to know is that you haven't given up on him, that'll be enough.'

Tears fill Thor's eyes, and Steve suddenly can't wait to get back and describe the look on his brother's face to Loki. The love written there is almost painful to see, and he wonders if that same emotion is plainly etched on his own face. They say their goodbyes, and agree on further contact as the research progresses. 'And if you'd send me back now Heimdall, I'd be much obliged.'

Heimdall makes a respectful gesture between a bow and a nod. 'Happily, Lord Rogers, though I must warn you, the Bifrost shares a profound link with the Allfather, and as he diminishes in power, so does it. Your journey to and from Asgard may seem short to you, but you may find that more time has passed on Midgard than you expected.'

An icy hand clutches at Steve's heart, and he feels light-headed. 'How much time?'

'I cannot tell, days, perhaps weeks.'

But Steve is already shouting, 'You have to send me back to Stark Tower, now!!'

 

The journey is short, but Steve feels the agony of every millisecond, and his words repeat themselves endlessly in his head, 'Go and work yourself to death', 'It's too much' 'I can't help you.' He fights through the dizziness on arrival, and finding himself only a few floors away from the laboratory, he flings himself down the emergency staircase rather than wait for the elevator. He doesn't even know what he's expecting to find as he bursts into the lab, but it doesn't matter, all thoughts fade except relief as Loki looks up from his work and drops the tool he is holding with a gasp. Bruce is busy nearby, and turns round with a startled oath.'Where the hell have you been, Steve, it's been nearly three weeks? Don't you realise what could have happened?'

Steve barely registers him, promising to explain everything later. He rounds the work station and approaches Loki cautiously, taking in his dishevelled appearance. The god looks like hell, ashen and trembling, his hair a tangled mess. He takes a step back and looks over his shoulder at Bruce, anxiety creasing his exhausted features as he asks, 'Dr Banner?' Bruce shoots Steve an accusatory glare, then says gently, 'It's ok Loki, he's really back. You're not imagining it.'

Loki's shoulders sag and he staggers with fatigue but steadies himself on the table. Steve puts out a hand to him, but Loki just stares at it confusedly. His eyes are wide and unblinking, and don't seem to be tracking very well. Slowly they move up to Steve's face, and Loki frowns as he searches in vain for something.

'You are not angry with me any more.'

'Of course not, I didn't mean any of those things. Loki, I…'

But the god cuts him off, his voice hoarse with feeling, 'But then why did you leave me? Are you punishing me? Then please, I would rather you beat me or tortured me, anything, I would suffer it gladly, but do not abandon me again. Not you too.'

Steve thinks his heart might be breaking as he finally gives the command, 'Loki, stop.' And he's there to catch Loki as he falls.

 

The weight in his arms is so familiar now as he carries the god back to his room, except this time Loki is conscious, just about, and looking up at him through hazy half-closed eyes. His heartbeat is all over the place, and his breathing is a shallow rasp, but he doesn't look away. And as they leave the lab, he reaches up to clasp his arms around Steve's neck, clinging to him with the intensity of someone hanging over a precipice. When Steve lowers him onto his bed, instead of letting go, he grips his hands firmly together behind Steve's neck, and the Captain has to duck his head under them to disentangle himself. Steve moves away from the bed and Loki pushes himself up onto his elbows, looking panicked. 

'Stay.' It's a plea, a command, an invitation, all at the same time and Steve smiles over his shoulder as he turns off the light.

'Don't worry, I meant to.' 

The armchair is still there beside the bed, and he prepares to settle himself into it for the night, but Loki is already intercepting him, kneeling up on the bed. The god takes Steve's hands and draws them around himself, positioning them in the small of his back, then arches into Steve's body, reaching up to embrace him again. This time Steve doesn't resist, but pulls Loki toward him, burying his face in the tousled mane of hair. The god makes a noise between a moan and a sob, and collapses back onto the bed, pulling Steve with him. They roll over with Loki ending up on top, the length of his hair tickling Steve's chin, and his smile soft as he gazes down at him.

'Loki, wait…'

But the god puts a finger to his lips and whispers, 'Be silent, Steve Rogers, I know what you would say. I am tired, not in my right mind, you will not take advantage of me in my unbalanced state.' He sighs, 'Perhaps you are right. I am not myself of late. But there is one thing you might give me without reproaching yourself, I think. It is not so very much.'

Steve holds his breath, not daring to hope.

'A kiss, Captain?'

And without a word, Steve reaches up and tangles his fingers in the soft black strands and pulls Loki down to him.


	12. Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More plot, I'm afraid, but more of everything else too. I should be honest at this point, I won't be getting too graphic in the sex scenes, not because I don't want to, but because I just can't write smut very well. Besides, loads of people have done it far far better than I ever could (thank you again, Lise, and many others).  
> You are all brilliant for sticking with me, and saying such nice things. Kudos all round! X

The kiss is long, slow and sweet, like that first cool drink on a summer's evening. The God of Lies, whose tongue is a byword for poison and deceit, kisses with perfect candour, and afterward his lips move tenderly over Steve's face, exploring his cheekbones, his jawline, the curve of his chin.

Unable to contain his guilt any longer, Steve bursts out, 'I'm so sorry, Loki, I should never have..' but before he can go on, Loki covers his mouth again with his own and he forgets to feel guilty, forgets everything except the kiss, in which a whole new universe is contained.

When they finally part, breathing heavily, Loki sinks down beside him on the bed, and Steve can see the silhouette of a smile against the window as the god murmurs sleepily, 'I missed you.'

'I missed you too, and I was only gone for a couple of hours.'

Loki turns his head to look at Steve.

'OK, I wasn't going to tell you until after you'd slept, but I think you need to know this right now. I've been to Asgard. Thor brought me there to ask about the Chitauri device, but I don't think that was his main reason. If that's all he'd wanted, he would have contacted Tony or Bruce. It's obvious that all he's really thinking about is you.'

Loki shakes his head, and asks tiredly, 'Then why doesn't he come?'

And Steve can't wait, he tells Loki everything, first about Thor and his guilt, then about Odin and Frigga, the unrest in Asgard and the Chitauri threat. Loki turns his head away while Steve talks, so that he can't see his expression, and when he finishes there is utter silence from Loki's side of the bed.

'Are you ok?' asks Steve, 'I know it's a lot to take in.'

Continued silence from Loki, and Steve leans over in concern. The god's eyes are closed, and the evenness of his breathing suggests a deep and peaceful sleep. But the moonlight glitters on his wet lashes and the tracks of tears down that pale thin face. His heart full, Steve bends down and brushes them away with his thumb, then presses a soft kiss onto Loki's lips before slipping out of the room and gently closing the door behind him. As soon as he's outside, Jarvis informs him that Bruce and Tony are waiting to talk to him in the lab. 

'Thank you Jarvis, and can you please let me know immediately if Loki wakes up,' he replies.

'Sir, the presence of delta waves indicates that Mr Odinson is in a slow-wave sleep state and will not wake for some time. But I will alert you to any change.'

 

Tony and Bruce are both in the laboratory, conferring heatedly but with lowered voices. They stop as Steve enters, seeming glad of the distraction, and start quizzing him at once about Loki's condition and Steve's sudden disappearing act. He repeats the tale, and when he gets to the part about the Bifrost and the time distortion, they both get really excited and start talking about velocity time dilation and other stuff that goes right over Steve's head. In the end, he has to butt in before someone starts making three-dimensional diagrams and the whole thing gets way off topic.

'Um guys? This is all fascinating, but for now can you just fill me in on what I missed?'

'Hey, sorry Cap,' Tony is contrite, 'it's just that the time travel thing is basically nerd heaven. Moving on though.. Since you left, wow, where do we start? Bruce and I must have aged about ten years in the last three weeks. It was basically like someone leaving their severely traumatised kid with you while they went away on holiday. Seriously, that's what it felt like. I mean, sure, a genius kid who learned his way around my lab in like half an hour. But it's not been an easy ride. Back me up Bruce.'

Bruce nods, 'I don't know what happened between you two just before you left, but Loki came back to the lab looking like the walking dead. He didn't talk at all for two days, he just worked, and later he only told us about your command to get us off his back. He couldn't stop, and honestly, I'm not even sure he wanted to. It was day in, day out, and we had to start taking shifts to keep up with him. We couldn't leave him unsupervised obviously, especially later when his behaviour started getting a little.. erratic.'

Bruce and Tony exchange a meaningful look, and Tony takes over, 'Not his fault, it's a sleep deprivation thing. I went five nights without sleep once and I locked myself in a bathroom thinking it was an undersea research facility. Loki's been awake for twenty days straight since you left, and god knows how many before then. He was a wreck, talking to himself, major case of the DTs, and he was having some full-on hallucinations too. And we're not talking small-scale Community Theater productions here, I mean all-singing all-dancing, cast of thousands type stuff. They came and went, but it wasn't pretty. We had Fury looking for you, we didn't know what else to do.' Tony rubs his eyes tiredly.'And then there's the whole business with the Key.'

'The what now?'

'Oh yeah, that's what we're calling the device now apparently. So it turns out that Loki heard the Chitauri talking about it back when they were BFFs, he just never saw it as it wasn't finished yet. It's designed to neutralise Asgardian technology, so I guess they were planning to use it to lower Asgard's defences and get their hands on the Tesseract. Where things get complicated is the part where Loki tried to persuade us to let him recalibrate it so it would mess with the Chitauri systems instead, because he says they'll be coming for us too. Apparently all their weapons, their transport, even their armour uses the same form of energy so if it works, they'd essentially be powerless. Except for being 8-foot tall and built like a linebacker of course.'

Bruce cuts in, 'Loki was trying to explain the workings to us but frankly he'd left us behind a long way back. And we couldn't figure out if we couldn't understand him because it was just too advanced or because he was too exhausted to make any sense. The two can sound pretty similar.' Tony nods knowingly and Bruce continues, 'We cut off his access to it after that, had him working on other projects of Tony's. The thing is that at some point, we might have to decide whether to trust him and risk looking like gullible idiots when he screws us again. Or to assume that he's back on his default evil setting and keep him as far from the Key as possible. Neither option is exactly risk free.'

Steve realises that he's desperate for Loki to be telling the truth, and that urgency is audible in his voice as he bursts out, 'But we're going to have to trust him at some point. Otherwise Fury's offer is meaningless and he's no use to SHIELD at all. What's the point of having a resourceful alien ally if we're going to disbelieve everything he tells us? You guys are geniuses, can't you find some way to check whether this recalibration thing is actually possible?'

'It's not as easy as all that,' protests Tony, 'We're stumbling round in the dark here. It's like trying to write a novel in a language where you don't even know the alphabet and.. you know what, scratch that, that's a terrible metaphor, but basically it's really hard and we're doing our best.'

Bruce adds quietly, 'You might think that you're the only person who cares about Loki, but you're wrong. Like I said, he really grows on you. It's not been easy for us either, watching him try and destroy himself this last couple of weeks. I want to believe that he's changed, I really do. It's just that there's so much at stake here and we can't afford to let our emotions cloud our judgement.'

Steve apologises for his sharpness, he knows all this and he understands. But he also knows that for him, it's too late. He's already emotionally compromised, and clear and impartial judgement is no longer an option where Loki is concerned.

 

* * * * *

 

One of the results of time travel jetlag is a temporary inability to sleep, and Steve is bleary-eyed when Loki wanders into the kitchen a day or so later, looking considerably better, cleaner and generally less half-dead. He has taken to wearing one of Tony's black robes over his clothes, clearly uncomfortable with the lack of layers provided by Midgardian attire, and manages to make it look unaccountably regal as he helps himself to a bread roll and coffee. He then turns to greet everyone, everyone being Steve, Bruce, Tony and Clint, who are sitting down to take-away and a much-needed break from alien threats, interplanetary abduction and sleep-deprived Norse deities. 

'I'm sorry,' he says, 'I did not mean to intrude. I will take this back to my room and leave you to your banqueting.'

Steve is taken aback when Clint is the one to say, 'Or you could come and join us. There's enough for everyone.' However, he's not naive enough to think that Clint has had a change of heart. He knows that tone, and senses that trouble is brewing. Loki is hovering indecisively, but his eyes are greedy as he surveys the table heaped with foil trays and hunger wins out as he pulls up a chair next to Steve, keeping the width of the table between himself and Clint. 

At first they eat in silence, the atmosphere too brittle for small talk, and again it's Clint who speaks first.

'So Loki, I hear you're expecting a visit from some old friends? '

Loki continues eating, but answers, 'Hardly.'

'You're not expecting them?'

'I mean they are not friends of mine. The Chitauri will kill any of you on sight, but with me they will take their time. When they come it will be for all of us.'

'And why will they come? We defeated them before, and we can do it again. Plus we don't even have the Tesseract on Earth any more. Why would they risk it?'

Loki returns his gaze for a moment, then his eyes drop again and he says quietly. 'They seek the Tesseract on Asgard now, and they need the Key to acquire it. But in addition to that, they will seek revenge.'

Clint puts down his fork and leans back in his chair, regarding Loki with his gun-metal grey eyes. 'OK, now we're getting somewhere. You know what I've been wondering, these new gadgets the Chitauri have, the ability to travel between worlds, this Key thing, they didn't have those last time. So what happened? How are they so tooled up all of a sudden?'

The others turn to Loki, awaiting his answer. It's crossed their minds to wonder too, but only Clint and Steve are expecting the truth when it comes. 'Because I helped them.'

Loki's gaze is still downcast and his expression is blank. But a tiny muscle is twitching in his jaw, and his face is bone-white with tension. Slowly he raises haunted eyes and turns them on Steve. 'I can contain my secrets no longer. This is what I have kept from you all, hoping that what I feared would never come to pass. The Chitauri, and their leader the Other, were my allies, and I gave them my knowledge freely. The Key is the result of my own designs, and it was I who told them of the secret pathways between the Nine Realms. It seems that they have made swifter progress than I would have anticipated in making these plans a reality.'

Steve doesn't yet know what to say, but Clint does. 'So let me just get this straight. What you're saying is that they're coming, using technology that you gave them, to retrieve something that you designed, and with the extra incentive of getting some good old-fashioned revenge on us for wrecking an invasion which you masterminded. In fact this, all of this, is your fault. Is that a fair assessment of the situation?'

Loki drags his gaze from Steve's and meets Clint's steely grey one without a hint of a challenge. 'Yes. It is.'

'You son of a bitch..' 

Clint launches himself across the table before anyone can stop him, but Loki darts to one side just in time, and Clint merely ends up knocking over an empty chair. He recovers quickly though, and springs to his feet, his gun suddenly aimed directly at Loki's head. Nobody else moves, there's nothing they can do that won't make the situation worse. At this moment, only Clint and Loki exist, and Loki is raising his hands very very slowly. 'Please don't, Agent Barton.'

'Now you're afraid,' Clint sneers. 'Things must have changed. Last thing I heard you wanted to die, practically begged for it.'

'Yes,' Loki says with quiet sincerity. 'Things have changed, and I no longer want to die. I want to help.'

Clint's laugh sounds genuinely amused. 'You? Want to help us? But surely we're all beneath you?'

'I did think that once. I was wrong. Will you not let me make amends?'

'And we should trust you because..?

'Because you need my help. The Chitauri are coming, for me, for the Key, and for you. You destroyed their army and humiliated them and they are not a forgiving race.'

'And what about you - we beat you too. Have you forgiven us?'

Steve intervenes at last, 'Clint..' but Barton cuts him off. 'Shut up Steve! I'm serious. You can't be thinking about trusting this asshole, after everything he's done? He's just playing us again!'

Loki's stance is suddenly no longer conciliatory, instead he draws himself up to his full height, green eyes blazing, 'I am through playing! This is no game, Agent Barton. Yes, I toyed with others' lives before, and thought little of it, but that was worlds away and I take no pleasure in remembering it. And yes, you defeated me, I would have had a throne instead of a slave's collar, were it not for you. But how can I begrudge you your fight for freedom now that I know its true worth? It is not hate or resentment that I feel for any of you now, far from it, I feel .. ' Loki stops, seemingly aghast at his own outburst, and turns pleadingly back to Steve, repeating, 'It is not hate, but..' And again, the sentence hangs in the air unfinished.

Clint is shaking his head, but he lowers his weapon and there is a general release of collectively held breath. Only Loki is still rigid as a statue, his mouth slightly agape and his hands clenched at his sides. Steve moves to stand up but absent-mindedly knocks a fork to the floor, and the clatter rouses Loki from his stupor. With a sharp intake of breath, he spins around and in a flurry of black, he is gone.

There are no harsh words or recriminations. The things that needed to be said have been said, and while everything is far from resolved, there is a temporary feeling of catharsis. The men return to the remains of their meal without a word, and the conversation turns to lighter matters. And nobody comments when Steve excuses himself shortly after and slips out of the room.

 

* * * * *

 

Loki is out on the terrace when Steve joins him, long hair whipping around his face and the robe billowing behind him. If he'd been aiming for dramatic, he couldn't have done it any better, thinks Steve mischievously, but as he comes alongside and sees the miserable expression on the god's face, he understands that impressions are the last thing on Loki's mind.

Unsure of how to begin, he gets directly to the point. 'So is that it? Or have you kept any more secrets from us?'

Loki takes a step forward toward the edge, and Steve's heart leaps with fear. Still facing out into the night, Loki speaks in a voice so low that the wind instantly carries his words away. Steve reaches to grab his hand, and pulls him back, a little too roughly, so that they end up face to face and inches apart. 'You would claim the last of my secrets then?' cries the god desperately. 'Very well, take it! When I first came here, you were given control of my will and my body, but now you have stolen my mind and my soul also. I have nothing left. Nothing!'

Laughing, Steve reaches up and takes Loki's face in his hands. 'Loki, Loki, what are you telling me?'

The god is almost weeping with confusion now, 'Please, I can't do this.' 

And Steve pulls him into a bear hug, still laughing, 'Are you trying to say that you love me?'

As Loki freezes in his arms, Steve takes him by the shoulders and gives him a gentle shake. 'You don't make anything easy for yourself, do you? OK, if you won't say it, I will. I love you. Actually I adore you. I am crazy, head over heels in love with you, and if you think that your putting the entire universe in jeopardy is going to have even the slightest effect on that, you're crazy too. Now kiss me, you idiot.'

Technically it is a command, but that doesn't matter as Loki is already wrapping his arms around Steve's waist and closing the gap between them, reaching hungrily for Steve's mouth. And all the truth Steve needs is contained in that kiss.


	13. Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pretty short one, but it's by way of an apology for the double-posting on tuesday - sorry again! I'm going through a delightful phase of insomnia at the moment and I feel like Loki at the end of chapter 11, so it's possible some of my brain cells are in the wrong order. Unforgiveable all the same ;)

At first Steve thinks he might never want to leave the terrace again, because everything he needs is right here, pressed fervently against him. Any space between them is a travesty to be rectified, as their bodies melt together. But soon Loki's hands slide up under his t-shirt and he flinches - they are icy cold. How did he not notice the bitter chill in the air? Reluctantly they stumble inside, each unwilling to relinquish their hold on the other, and reach Steve's bedroom without encountering anyone else. Steve is past caring anyway. It even crosses his mind to wonder if Heimdall is spying on them from Asgard, and might tell Thor, but even that doesn't seem to matter. Let him tell tales, they are doing nothing wrong.

In bed, the promise of the kiss is more than fulfilled. Loki is unrestrained and entirely unselfconsciousness, with a desperate need to touch and be touched, and unerring intuition. He takes Steve's inexperience and turns it into something strong and primal, while he himself bends and sways like a sapling in the path of the storm. And his ecstasy when it comes is a miracle to behold. His grip on Steve is bruising, almost painful, and remains for long after the moment itself. 

And this time it's Steve who sleeps while Loki watches over him.

 

*

 

When Steve wakes up, it's to the gentle touch of fingers in his hair. Loki is sitting up in bed, his eyes fixed on the opposite wall and his thoughts clearly a million miles away, but his hand shows that he hasn't entirely left Steve behind. As he feels the Captain stir, he looks down and smiles, but doesn't stop the motion of his long fingers.

'What are you thinking about?' Steve asks. 'You looked so far away.'

Loki doesn't answer, so Steve is about to repeat the question when the god heaves a sigh. 'I never wish to lie to you again, so please do not ask me this. I cannot say.'

Steve pulls himself upright and tenderly takes Loki's hand, 'Were you remembering your last master? I was so afraid of that, that what we did would be difficult for you, that it would remind you of him.'

Loki looks at him with genuine surprise. 'That creature? Why would I think of him while making love to you?'

Steve gapes wretchedly, feeling gauche and helpless, and Loki turns to kneel facing him, taking his other hand as well. 'You must understand this now, and never wonder about it again. What happened during that time was not sex. It was a violation. What you and I have done is as different from that as life is from death, because I know you, I trust you, and I want you. Never again think to compare the two, ever. Do you believe me?'

Loki is searching his face urgently, and Steve nods, a lump in his throat telling him that it would be better not to speak just now.

Relief floods Loki's face, and he moves fluidly to straddle Steve's lap, leaning in for a fierce kiss. As he pulls away teasingly, he asks, 'And do you believe me when I tell you that in all the Nine Realms, I have never met anyone like you, Steve Rogers?'

Steve doesn't believe it, although he's damn sure he's never met anyone like Loki. Even aside from the fact that he's an alien deity with superpowers. His expression, whatever it is, makes Loki laugh with delight, throwing back his head. He sounds a little like Thor as he chuckles, 'You blush like a young maiden caught bathing..' But before Steve can take offence, Loki leans in and murmurs huskily into his ear '.. and yet in every other way you are most unmistakably a man.'

Steve flips him easily onto his back and pins him down before rearing back to look down at his captivating green eyes and widening pupils. 'Yes, and you're a god.'

 

*

 

Afterwards they are lying where they fell, panting, long limbs entangled. Loki's hair pools like ink on Steve's chest and rapid breaths tickle his skin. Steve's mind is sluggish with contentment and his heart is full. For a while. But then as he looks down at the dark head, the rise and fall of Loki's shoulders, a niggling sensation creeps in. He knows he shouldn't delve, but he does anyway, and is ashamed to identify it as jealousy. He's jealous. Nobody has ever lain like this with their head pillowed on Steve's breast before, and that's fine. But in all his hundreds of years, he's sure that Loki will have lain like this upon countless others, worn out by their attentions and sleepy with spent lust. And a hard knot forms in his chest at the idea of it. Loki looks up, perhaps aware of the sudden tension in his muscles, and seems somehow to understand, for he says gently, 'You do know that I am yours?'

'I want you always to have been mine'.

Steve half-expects to be teased or mocked, told that he is young and foolish, but Loki's eyes soften, and he looks wistful. 

'I wish that I had been. So much would not have happened if I had found you sooner. You have changed me, my love, I am not what I was.'

'Well neither am I, in more ways then one. Thanks to you.'

Loki smirks at this, and bends down to nibble playfully at Steve's chest, tracing delicate lines with his tongue. Steve gasps, but reaches to lift Loki's chin while he can still form coherent sentences.

'I'm serious. All this time, and I only ever changed on the outside - anyone can do that. Then you come along and . . I don't know, I'm freer, happier than I ever thought I could be. And that's all you.'

'Very well, then we shall agree that we are both much altered, and the better for it. You gave me the strength to leave my past behind and start believing in a future. You may not have Asgardian magic, but do not underestimate your powers, Steve Rogers.'

Loki's tongue flickers out and moistens his lower lip. 'And now, if we are done talking . . '

 

*

 

Later still they lie facing each other, drinking each other in. In contrast to Steve's bulkier physique, Loki is slight, but finely-muscled, and his skin is smooth as ivory. Only the scars and welts mar its perfection - the wounds have healed but the deeper ones have left their marks - and Steve traces them with his fingers. 'Even your scars are beautiful.'

Loki smiles but doesn't speak, and Steve wonders if he has been tactless. He spoke from the heart, but to find beauty in something that came from so much pain - has he gone too far? Then he realises that the god is merely gathering his thoughts, and when he speaks it is slowly and pensively. 

'I never understood beauty before. I sought it in power and thought that would assuage my need. Only now do I realise that true beauty is here,' and he reaches out to press his hand against Steve's chest. 'Even when I did not yet fully understand why, I still wished to be near to it. And now I know. You have such great power and you wield it with such gentleness. When you hold me, I feel that you could crush me to oblivion and yet I feel safe, protected. It is exquisite.'

'It sounds a little kinky to me!' Embarrassed, Steve tries to make a joke of it, but Loki just shrugs. 

'Perhaps it is. I have lost some measure of objectivity where that is concerned. All I know is that when you overpower me, and I feel all your tenderness and all your strength at the same time, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I could scream with the beauty of it.'

Steve takes Loki's hand and kisses it, then he does the same with the other one. Then he slips his arm around the god's narrow waist and pulls him close. 'Show me.'


	14. Suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy people liked the last chapter - I think some time maybe I'll just shut Steve and Loki in a bedroom for the entire fic (I'm sure they won't mind).  
> But as for this one, I've just realised how this is going to end, and I'm excited to get there, so I'm afraid the interlude's over, and things are going to get rough. Better clench up! ;)

That night, Steve doesn't dream at all - there's nothing left to dream about. 

He wakes up to a soft kiss and sees Loki leaning up on his elbow and eyeing him fondly. 'You are a very heavy sleeper, it seems. I was about to resort to more extreme measures in order to awaken you.'

Even after last night, Steve can still feel his cheeks colour, and again Loki chuckles gleefully and buries his face in Steve's neck. But the moment is short-lived and soon the god sits up with a sigh and says, 'I must go. I have spent too long away from the laboratory and there are pressing matters which I must discuss with Stark. I wished only to say goodbye before I went.'

'I'm glad you woke me then. But goodbye? I don't like how that sounds - like I won't see you for ages. Can I come and find you for lunch?'

'That would please me.' Loki sits fully upright, stretching his spine extravagantly, and Steve catches him massaging the scars encircling his wrists. It's not the first time he's noticed it lately.

'You keep doing that, are they hurting you?'

'No, not any more.'

'Then why?'

Loki shrugs dismissively. 'Truly, I do not know. Perhaps I do it to remind myself that despite everything I am still a slave.'

Steve grabs at his hand. 'Don't, it breaks my heart when you talk about yourself that way.'

Loki gives him a brittle smile. 'Well then I cannot. "Don't break, steal or destroy anything", remember? Your words to me when I first arrived. Even in this I am powerless.'

He speaks lightly, but the words weigh heavily on Steve. All this time he has been trying to build up trust between himself and Loki, but meanwhile he has figuratively kept the god in chains. And twice he has unthinkingly given an order which resulted in disastrous (and potentially fatal) consequences. How long before it happens again? What if Loki inadvertently breaks one of the original rules he set, and he's not there to rescind the order? Plus he's left the god defenceless in the face of a genuine attack. No, he thinks, it's time.

'Loki, look at me.' The god turns to face him, a question in his eyes, and Steve speaks as clearly as he can, so that there is no room for error. 'The commands I gave you before, I take them all back. All of them. OK? You aren't bound by them any more.'

He expects some show of relief or happiness, but Loki simply nods gravely. 'Thank you', he says, and Steve thinks he even detects a note of sadness. Why would that be? Sometimes he wonders if he'll ever really understand Loki. 

'You're welcome.' He turns away to get out of bed, and suddenly feels arms thrown around him, and a face pressed to his back. 'Wait,' he hears Loki whisper, 'Just one more minute.'

They stay like that for a short time and when Loki speaks again his voice is distant, and so soft that Steve isn't even sure he's meant to hear.

'On Asgard we have always known that one day the universe would come to an end, that Ragnarok would sweep everything away. And yet I have never feared it until this moment.'

His grip tightens briefly until Steve feels his lungs constrict, then is gone, and the ability to breathe again seems like a high price to pay for the loss of his touch.

 

* * * * *

 

There's an oppressive stillness over the city that day. A haze of heat blankets the streets and lends everything a feeling of inertia. A storm is needed to dispel the pressure which is building up, but the sky is clear and cloudless and there's not a breath of wind.

 

Tony and Loki are alone in the lab while Bruce and Steve are on a call to Fury. They're both nursing coffee cups, but Tony is sitting with his feet up on a table while Loki is pacing the floor, a flicker of restless energy. 

Tony's voice is wryly amused as he comments, 'You're so much more coherent after a couple of nights' sleep - this is actually starting to make sense now.'

Loki looks slightly affronted. 'I admit I was not myself for a day or two but surely that is an overstatement, Stark.'

'Really, you think? Do you remember refusing to let Dum-E near you because you thought he was a.. bilgesnipe, was it?'

Loki stops short and stares at the robot with a furrowed brow, and it occurs to Tony that it's probably not a good idea to remind him of some of the darker imaginings that they witnessed during that time. It was an insight into Loki's recent past that had left them shaken, and it had taken all of Bruce's strength just to be in the same room with him. He quickly changes back to the topic in question.

'OK, so one more time, you're saying the Key is like an EMP generator. Turn it on and it emits a neutrino pulse which knocks out all technology within a specified radius. But currently only Asgardian technology. And you reckon that if we could change the spin characteristics then we could, hypothetically speaking, realign it to affect Chitauri tech instead?'

'That is exactly so. It would disable their weapons, disrupt their navigation systems and close down their network of portals, permanently. They would effectively be trapped on their world.'

'And how hard would that be?'

'I could do it. If you would only allow me access to the Key.' Loki's pacing has brought him to the sideroom where the device is currently locked up and he peers at it through the toughened glass door.

Tony looks up from making notes. 'This is really useful stuff, thanks MacGyver - I think Fury had the right idea bringing you on board. But it's early days, we can't just let you loose on something that's potentially this powerful until we've run some more tests. You do get that, right?'

With one last look at the door, Loki turns and resumes his pacing, muttering something under his breath about 'humans' which Tony assumes is entirely derogatory.

He carries on regardless. 'One more question. Aside from the whole revenge thing, do the Chitauri really have to come all the way here to get the Key back? Can't they just make another one?'

Loki shakes his head impatiently. 'You must harness an immense amount of energy to create one of these devices. They will have drained most of their resources to make this one, and can little afford to lose more. Believe me, they will come for it. I only wish you to be prepared.'

'Got it. And if we get really stuck we can always try turning it off and on again, that usually works for me.'

Loki throws him a curious glance but Tony doesn't elaborate. Now that their business is concluded, he has another, rather different agenda to pursue.

'So, you and Steve, huh?'

Loki stops his pacing and leans warily on a nearby table, clearly in fight or flight mode, while he searches Tony's expression for a clue as to which it's going to be.

Tony grins slyly. 'What, how did I know? You two are hardly subtle. You do know that the terrace window is made of glass, right?'

'And what now? Are you going to warn me to stay away from him? Tell me that I am not good enough?'

'Me? No, I'm hardly in a position to lecture anyone on ill-advised hook-ups. Besides, I'm sort of impressed - it's about time he let himself have some fun, and clearly he doesn't do things by halves. Can I be honest with you though?

'Please.'

'I'm not so surprised at Steve - anyone can see you're his type...' Loki raises an eyebrow, 'Oh come on, that whole evil and sexy but vulnerable thing - Steve's a boy scout, he never stood a chance. Of course he'd want to save you from yourself. But you, I don't know, I just wouldn't have pictured you falling for someone like him. What's the draw? And please tell me it's not the master/slave dynamic because that's just so wrong.'

'You are a man of the world, Stark, and I believe I can speak openly too. I will not deny that subjugation can, on occasion, be a source of great pleasure. Yes, we have irony on Asgard also, thank you. But no, it is not the collar which draws me to Captain Rogers, rather it is something much more powerful. What I see in him is everything I do not find in myself. When we first met I thought him dull, too stupid to dissemble. Now I see that he simply refuses to hide behind lies. He faces everything fearlessly and never thinks to protect himself. He is entirely himself, and yet he is utterly without ego. It captivates me.'

'Huh, I guess you and I would never have worked out then.'

Loki's smile is flirtatious. 'An interesting speculation, is it not?'

'I guess I don't need to tell you that if you hurt him, I'll kill you? Or more likely Bruce will kill you, and far more effectively at that. Not that you could hurt him of course, but you know, just making sure we're all on the same page here.'

'Hurting the Captain is most definitely not my intention, Stark. But I am glad he has good friends to show concern for him. He shows too little for himself and it pains me.'

'Are you talking about something specific? Anything I should know?'

Loki picks up a tiny rod of palladium and balances it delicately between his thumb and forefinger.

'No. I suppose I am asking you to watch over him if I cannot.'

Tony pauses but agrees, and the two sit in silence for a while, separated by their thoughts. Loki is staring at the rod as he turns it absently round and round in his fingers, and Tony is staring at Loki with a slight frown on his face.

Finally Tony asks, 'So here's another question. If we turned it on now, the Key is set to knock out all Asgardian technology, right?'

'As I have said.'

'Including your collar?'

'Hmm, I was wondering when somebody would ask me that.' Loki carefully sets down the palladium and meets Tony's shrewd gaze. 'Yes, including my collar.'

'Interesting. .'

 

As interesting as it is, it suddenly drops down the priority list as JARVIS's voice breaks in, his cool tone belying the nature of the news.

'Sir, if I may interrupt, it seems that a situation has arisen. Director Fury has just reported a Chitauri attack on Agent Romanov in Washington. She is unharmed and under SHIELD protection, but it looks very much as though the Chitauri are now targeting the Avengers.' 

The look on Loki's face is pure exasperation that swerves dangerously close to 'I told you so', but he doesn't move from his position. Tony's feet however hit the floor with a crash and an accompanying expletive, and he's out of the door in seconds, shouting over his shoulder, 'Stay here, Loki!'

 

He gets no further than the end of the corridor when the elevator doors open, and Steve, Bruce and Clint emerge. Clint is looking furious, his jaw clenched, and his bow already clutched in a white-knuckled fist. Tony skids to a halt in front of them. 'Natasha, she's ok, right? What the hell happened?'

'We got screwed, like I said we would.' Clint's voice is cold, but they can all hear the worry behind it. 'Still, I guess the bastard didn't actually lie about that. Tasha's fine, there were only five of them, but she's still pissed. Fury said they totally blew her cover. And it's pretty obvious they'll be coming for us next, so how's this for a plan - when they get here, we give them Loki. It might not stop them for good, but it'll buy us time while they work out some of their more serious issues on him.'

Steve folds his arms across his chest, partly for emphasis and partly to stop himself from breaking Clint's jaw. 'You know that's not going to happen, Clint.'

Barton glowers at him before turning to the others. 'I say we vote on it. Bruce, Tony?'

Bruce is breathing hard through his nostrils as he says with deceptive calm, 'I'm sorry Clint, I know it's been hell for you, but you need to drop this. Loki's already been tortured by the ice giants, by Asgard, and accidentally by us,' (Steve winces at that) 'so if you think we're going to just hand him over to the Chitauri for their turn, you're on the wrong team.'

'Seconded.' Tony leads the way back to the lab, 'Worst plan ever. Let me just grab some stuff, and then we need to find somewhere to keep Loki safe during the attack, and ... oh hell no...'

They are standing at the entrance now, and everyone follows Tony's shocked gaze across the laboratory to the door of the sideroom which is hanging open, its locking mechanism lying smashed to pieces on the floor.

Loki is gone, and so is the Key.

 

There's no air in the room. Atmosphere, sound and emotion are drawn into the black hole where Steve's heart used to be, and for a moment, thankfully, there's nothing.

Then it all comes back like a freight train, and everyone's yelling, and some of them are yelling at him. 

'.. shouldn't even be possible, should it?'

'.. right there on the surveillance camera. It was him - what did you all think was going to happen? He's a killer, not a house pet. And now..'

'Clint, that's enough.' Bruce's concerned face looms into the foreground, and he addresses Steve directly. 'Tony's right, it shouldn't be possible. Loki shouldn't be able to break anything or steal anything. Not unless..'

It's absolutely true that Steve can't dissemble, he never could. The look on his face tells them everything they need to know.

Bruce lets out his breath slowly, the fight for control already visible behind his eyes. 'Steve, please, tell me you didn't take back the commands.' 

He wants to, he really does, but he can't. Bruce turns abruptly and distances himself from the group, gripping the edge of the table where minutes earlier, Tony had been holding a relaxed and friendly conversation with Loki. Tony stares at the spot, then shakes himself and faces up to the other two. 'So what now?'

'You know what now,' Clint taps one finger on his bow. 'I hunt Loki down, I take back the Key, and I kill him.'

Steve's senses still haven't fully returned, and his voice is barely above a whisper. 'Clint, I...'

'Back off, Steve. I should have done this weeks ago. Maybe even two years ago. It's not your decision any more.'

Steve turns to Tony, a desperate plea on his face, but he already knows it's useless. Stark won't meet his eyes as he says quietly, 'JARVIS, we need you to find Loki's position.'

At first there is no response, but then the voice of the AI fills the room. It is fragmented, inaudible, and the volume flickers up and down alarmingly.

'Didn't catch that, JARVIS, please repeat.'

The voice is clearer now, and they manage to make out a few broken phrases amid the noise, '... unable to... severe damage to my primary processor due to a ... opening of a portal near the... '

Tony is shouting now, 'JARVIS, I'm on my way to fix it, what's going on down there??'

And this time the voice replies with perfect clarity. 'Sir, we are under attack. The Chitauri are here.'


	15. Defence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's all kicking off now! I seriously thought this was going to be a drabble when I started, what the hell happened??  
> Thanks again to everyone for commenting - this is like therapy, only better! x

Flecks of green are already starting to spark around Bruce's irises as his fingers dent the metal surface of the table. It's something Steve has witnessed only a few times, and never without an accompanying shiver of dread, but this time the first thought that creeps into his mind is 'Loki's eyes are greener.' Are the others right? Has he been bewitched and lost his mind? Why can't he think clearly where Loki is concerned? This is obviously not the time to be mooning over his love life, he needs to try and get his head straight or he won't be any use to any of them.

The normally soft-spoken Banner is almost ranting now, 'We're all so stupid! Loki's been playing a long game this whole time, just like before. We let ourselves feel sorry for him and he used it to manipulate us. He's probably got the collar off already and he's going to use the Key as leverage with the Chitauri.'

Tony speaks as calmly as he can, trying to slow down the transformation. 'Yes, but we're going to stop that from happening. Clint, do you want to head them off at the.. ' His sentence trails off as he looks round - the archer has already slipped away.

With Clint gone, Steve tries again, 'I just can't believe Loki would go behind our backs like this - he's changed, I felt it. We can't hunt him down like an animal without being absolutely sure.'

Stark looks at him pityingly, 'I'm sorry Steve, but you're compromised - you don't get to call the shots this time. I don't blame you, we all fell for Loki's reformed criminal act. But some people simply aren't capable of change.' He turns to Bruce. 'The Chitauri probably won't try and leave the building this time, but we need to make sure. How about you work down, I'll get suited up and start at the ground floor, and I guess we'll meet somewhere in the middle. And if you could maybe try not to kill me or my house, I'd appreciate that.'

Nobody's including Steve in the plan, and he's struck by deja vu all of sudden, that helpless feeling from his childhood of being left out of the big kids' games. 'And I guess I'll go and look for Loki,' he says miserably, almost to himself. 

They don't argue, but Tony answers quietly, 'This isn't about saving him any more, Steve, you know that? He's made himself the enemy now.' 

'Please, Tony, just help me get to him before Clint does.' Steve is begging now, and he doesn't care who knows it, 'If we do have to take him down, ok, but it should be me, it has to be me. You get that, don't you?'

Tony pauses, sympathy warring with reason, but finally he relents. 'If the Chitauri got to JARVIS before he could warn us, the portal must be somewhere near the primary processor on the 18th floor. I'm guessing that's where you'll find him.' He holds Steve's gaze before adding, 'Just stop him. Somehow.'

 

Somehow..

Steve isn't yet ready to think about what that might mean. He'll find Loki first and then, maybe, he'll know what to do.

The building is darkened, with emergency lighting streaking the corridors. The elevator shaft looks black and bottomless as he wedges open the door and slides down the cable, counting floors to the 20th. He has barely squeezed through when he hears approaching footsteps and slips behind a side door. Through the gap, he can see a small detachment of Chitauri footsoldiers, four of them in all, emerging from the stairwell, weapons at the ready. With revulsion he recognises the insectile skull-like features, the imposing armoured carapaces. To be in such close proximity to them brings back all the anger and resentment which followed the attack on New York, an anger which had over the last few weeks entirely evaporated towards their Asgardian ally. But the hurt of Loki's apparent betrayal adds fuel to his rage, and as soon as they have passed he steals up behind them, taking out the rear two just as the others turn to train their guns on him. He twists out of the way of one weapon, kicking the other so that the soldier spins round and blows a hole in the wall behind him. Within seconds, all four are slumped lifelessly across the hallway, and Steve is disappearing down the staircase with one of their guns over his shoulder.

Two floors down, he peers through the door, then quickly ducks back in and flattens himself against the wall, breathing hard. It isn't an army out there, but it's enough to give him pause. He doesn't have his shield with him after all. Various plans of attack run through his mind, but nothing presents itself as a smart option until he hears running and screeching from upstairs - they must have found the bodies. The clamour grows closer, and it's the push Steve needs. It's not his shield, but the stairwell door, wrenched off its hinges, makes a fair substitute as he ploughs into the mass of creatures. He has the element of surprise on his side at least, and crushes a few of them against the opposite wall like bugs. He then uses the door for cover while firing short precise volleys into the alien horde. The corridor to the left is clear, and he keeps checking over his shoulder as he backs down it. He's managed to thin out the enemy ranks, but they're pressing toward him and he's being driven inexorably back. As he reaches a corner, he makes a quick decision, throws the door at his pursuers, and ducks down the side passage, the sound of the commotion receding as he races through one room, then another, and another. And hits a dead end. He must have misread the geography of the building, but there's no exit on the other side of this room and as he turns to retrace his steps he comes face to face with a Chitauri warrior, its gun aimed squarely at his head and the weapon already gearing up to fire.

He's far too seasoned a soldier to believe in his own invincibility, and as something knocks him off his feet he comes to the obvious conclusion that this is it - that the end has finally come for Captain America. The shot rings in his ears, a weight is pressing on his chest and his vision is black, and death is not that different from how he would have imagined it except for.. he raises one hand and swipes at his eyes - it's not the darkness of oblivion covering them, but a fold of black silk, and as he pushes it away he finds he can see everything clearly once more. The Chitauri soldier is stretched out on the ground with the hilt of a kitchen knife protruding from between its eyes. And the weight he feels on his chest is not the stifling torpor of death. It's Loki. 

The god looks down, and begins to run urgent trembling hands through Steve's hair. 'That was entirely too close,' he mutters. 'Are you injured?'

Strangely enough, suddenly not being dead has in no way improved Steve's mood, and he pushes Loki off violently. The god lands in a graceless heap and Steve gets to his feet, his expression furious. 'Don't touch me. Traitor!' That hurts Loki, he can tell - the trickster winces as if struck and rises to his feet also, a wounded look on his face. It's not enough, so Steve follows up the accusation with a blow to the jaw and Loki staggers back against the wall, gasping. Steve punches him twice more, whipping his head painfully from side to side, but he still doesn't try and defend himself. 'Damn you,' Steve yells at him, 'I trusted you!'

At last Loki pushes him firmly away, 'Maybe you did, but the others didn't. Whatever I do, it always ends up like this, this sneaking around, the tricks, the subterfuge. It's everything I didn't want to be any more. I tried to change, but perhaps this is simply who I am.' As Steve blinks at the echo of Stark's earlier words, Loki angrily shoves something into his hands. 'Here it is, take the cursed thing.'

'I ... ' Steve looks down to see the Key lying across his outstretched palms. 'What?'

'It is done - this is your weapon against the Chitauri.' 

Slowly Steve turns the Key over, glancing bewilderedly from it to Loki and back again. 'You've reset it?'

'Obviously.'

Steve shakes his head in utter disbelief. 'So you were helping us all along? Why on earth didn't you say something, you...' Unfortunately a lifetime of not swearing leaves him gaping and weaponless in the face of such immense frustration.

Loki narrows his eyes. 'Why would you all have trusted me? Clearly I am a liar, a cheat, a thief..'

He lets slip a Norse oath as Steve's fist collides with his face for the fourth time, and stares back, accusingly, one hand cradling his bruised cheek.

'The first ones were for me.' Steve explains calmly. 'That one was for you. Nobody else gets to talk about you that way, not even you.'

Loki snorts and starts to push himself away from the wall, but Steve holds him back with one hand on his shoulder. 'But seriously, WHY?? Everyone thought you'd betrayed us, including me for a while. Clint's out there gunning for you and I'm not sure the other two won't kill you if they find you. What the hell were you thinking??'

Loki is looking evasive, his eyes darting about the room. 'There isn't time to explain. We should go.' 

But Steve is having none of it. 'Make time! Tell me!!' 

Loki's head snaps up at the command, and he glares back defiantly. It's only then that Steve realises he's still wearing the collar. Reluctantly Loki explains, 'I needed to make the adjustments to the Key and you were all talking, discussing, there was no time. You were worried about the wrong things. So I just made the decision for you.'

Steve is still staring at the metal band in confusion. 'But I thought.. couldn't you have used it to remove the collar first?'

Loki sighs, and slumps a little under Steve's grip. When he looks up the challenge is gone from his eyes, and there is only weary resignation. 'No. Triggering the Key will deplete it instantly. It can be used only once.'

 

Suddenly it all comes together, and the connotations nearly floor Steve. He lets go of Loki and steps back, but doesn't take his eyes from the god's face. 'You could have used it to escape. You could have disabled the collar, got your magic back and used the portal to get as far away from all of us as possible. But you didn't, because you needed it to save us.'

'Well, mostly you', Loki smiles wryly. 'But in essence, yes. I have seen a great many worlds, and found them empty because you were not on them. I would not have this world bereft of you also, not when it was within my power to help.'

They're embroiled in an alien invasion, the fate of the universe lies in the balance, and their friends are on a manhunt through the building which might well end up in someone getting killed, but at that moment, Steve doesn't think he could be any happier. He seizes Loki by the shoulders and kisses him full on the mouth, laughing at the startled look on the god's face.

'Loki, you're amazing, I mean it. And we'll find another way to get the collar off you, I promise. But when this is over we really need to have a talk about teamwork, and sharing your plans in advance. You still haven't quite got the hang of this honesty thing, have you?'

'If we survive this,' Loki replies, a little stiffly, 'I will gladly hear your thoughts on any subject you wish. But for now, we must get the Key nearer to the portal if it is to be effective.' He bends down to pick up the dead Chitauri's weapon, then looks up over his shoulder, grinning. 'I am very glad to have your help, Captain. It seems that working alone is not as much fun as it used to be.'

Without warning he fires the gun at the floor just next to his feet, listens intently for a second then drops lithely through the resulting hole. Steve hesitates for a moment, but as an impatient voice issues up from below, 'Well, are you coming or not?' he picks up his fallen weapon, takes a quick look around, and follows Loki through the hole.

The room below is a storage area, and as he lands, Steve finds Loki already scanning the shelves and helping himself to anything that might be of use. He already has two large knives tucked into his belt, and Steve restrains himself from commenting. Now is probably not the time for a lecture on respecting other people's possessions. He tucks the Key into his own belt, and follows the god as he trails his long fingers along the racks. At the door Loki stops, like an animal sensing prey, and whispers, 'I believe the portal is close by, I can feel it.'

He puts his hand to the door handle but Steve moves him gently aside. He's the soldier, technically Loki is just a civilian, and it's his job to protect him. It's more than a job, come to that, it's his life from now on. He motions to Loki to stay back, ignores the god's disrespectfully amused reaction, and readies his gun. 

As the door flies open at the impact of his boot, a blinding light fills his vision and the pain of it makes him gasp. He feels Loki's hand on his shoulder and a voice in his ear crying 'Wait!' but it's too late, his reflexes have kicked in and he is already firing into the brightness. There's a terrible noise, like the shrieking of wind, and the light seems to rebound on him, knocking all the breath from his body and hurling him back against the far wall of the storeroom. His brain feels like mush and all around his head is a halo of agony. He tries to sit up but someone has filled his limbs with broken glass, and his ribs are like teeth grinding in his chest. He tries to speak but only a pitiful whimper emerges, and he hears an answering cry from across the room. 'Captain! Don't move.'

He stops trying, but instead struggles to raise the swollen flesh of his eyelids. Through the bloodshot haze he can make out figures, six of them, although he can't yet see their faces. The door to the next room, where that fearful light is, is again closed, and he is thankful of that at least. He blinks away some of the film obscuring his vision, and the first figure which comes into focus is Loki, handcuffed and held prisoner between two gigantic Chitauri warriors. His robe is torn and his hair dishevelled but he looks otherwise unharmed. The look on his face however is desperate, and his eyes are wide as they lock with Steve's. It's then that one of the other figures begins to speak, and Loki's eyes close with a shudder. Steve feels the voice as well as hears it, like something slithering in his brain.

'I told you there was no barren moon, no crevice we could not find you. Do you remember, little one? But you did not run so very far after all.' 

The being glides snakelike across the room toward Loki, and curls one finger under his chin, lifting it so that they are face to face. Loki's eyes snap open and he jerks his head away in disgust. 'I remember.' His features are composed again, but his voice crawls with horror.

The Other laughs almost fondly, and gestures toward Steve, still slumped helplessly against the wall. 'And now you ally yourself with those who caused your downfall. What weak and foolish creatures they are now that I look upon them.'

The look on Loki's face is pure malice now. 'So weak that six of them destroyed the greater part of your army?'

The Other responds with a powerful backhand and as Loki staggers between the guards, he seizes a handful of the god's hair and draws him closer. 'I think it will not be so easy this time. The portal cannot be closed by force, as your friend here has just discovered. It will defend itself.' His other hand comes up to slide sensuously around Loki's neck. 'And besides, we already have everything we want, and will be gone before they can do anything to stop us.'

Loki's eyes flick over toward the other two guards, and Steve follows his gaze. One of them is holding the Key in his hand and Steve's heart misses a beat. It must have fallen from his belt when he was thrown backward. No, this can't be how it ends. 

The Other is laughing now, a hateful cackling sound. 'Yes, we have the device we came for, and something else almost as good. You will come with us, little prince, and once we have the Tesseract, I shall have an eternity to make good on my promise.' He leans in again. 'You think you know pain? We will make you long for something sweet as pain.'

Loki's smile is insolent. 'Threaten all you like, I know more about pain than you could ever imagine. You have nothing to show me.' He too leans forward tauntingly in the grip of his guards. 'I challenge you to try.'

The Other inclines his head. 'I accept your challenge.'

Just wait, wait, thinks Steve through the fog of pain. Loki's stalling, he knows what he's doing. He always has a plan. And so he is unprepared for the look of utter panic on Loki's face as the Other turns and walks away from him across the room. Heading directly for Steve.


	16. Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to apologise in advance for the cliffhanger here - I don't do it on purpose, it just always seems like a natural break. But it is a bit of a cheap trick.  
> Sorry! Please just trust me though..

'No..'

Loki makes a wild lunge toward The Other, but the two guards are holding him firmly and after a brief struggle he sags in their grip, desperation written all over his face. It's already too late but he tries changing tack. 'You are wasting your time, he is a human and therefore of no consequence. But if you harm him the others will be sure to avenge him, and all your plans will come to nothing. Take what you came for and go, but I warn you, leave this one alive.'

The Other is now towering over Steve, and he turns his head slightly and makes a derisive hissing noise. 'You were a better liar when last we met. Sentiment has weakened you, prince of Asgard. Do you think I cannot see your feeling for this pathetic creature?' 

At this moment it doesn't seem like an unfair description - Steve has never felt so wretched as he puts all his energy into simply drawing small sips of air into his aching lungs. He still has no control over his limbs, but he is beginning to feel the return of sensation to his extremities. One finger is cramping painfully, and the nerve endings in his tongue are firing randomly, as if he has a mouthful of needles. Still, he is very far from being able to defend himself, let alone help Loki, and all his years of service, everything he's done to make the world a better place, suddenly counts for nothing. What is he good for if he can't even save his loved ones? He promised Loki that he wouldn't let anyone harm him, that he'd look after him, but instead he's going to die, and Loki will live out the rest of his existence alone and in agony. As The Other reaches down and curls powerful fingers around his wrist, he lets out a weak moan, and it's not because of the pain in his arm. Then he is being lifted, twisted around, examined like a fish on the end of a hook. He can't see Loki any more, but he can hear him, the god's voice growing ever more frantic as he casts around for something, anything he can use to negotiate. 

'I gave you knowledge before, but there is so much more I could teach you. Release him and I will show you all the things I kept from you. Enchantments that only I know. I will make you more powerful than Odin himself. Listen to me...'

'Silence!' The Other commands sharply, 'Your childish games weary me. You have nothing with which to deal.'

'You are wrong. When I came here to conquer, I learnt much from the scientists of Midgard. I know the workings of the Tesseract now as you never will. You might be able to possess it, but you will not fully understand it without me. You need me more than ever.'

The Other sneers, as Steve is temporarily forgotten, 'Even if that were true, you are no longer our ally, but a slave, and you have no choice but to give us everything we ask for. We own your secrets, along with yourself.'

'You do not.' There is steel in Loki's voice now, hard and fierce. 'I am Loki of Asgard and no being can claim ownership of me, save one. And if you harm him, I will give you nothing, only my promise that one day I will see you torn apart by the demons of Hel.'

Steve feels the Chitauri leader become still as he considers Loki's words, and he wonders whether the god has just made things better or worse. Then again, he isn't sure things could actually be any worse. Finally that loathsome mouth opens again and Steve thinks he can see a mockery of a smile as it says musingly, 'Hmm, so very proud. Someone has mended you. You would not have dared to threaten me in the past.'

'It is no threat, only the truth.'

'The truth!' scoffs The Other, 'And what would you know of that, Liesmith?'

'I know this much, that there are worse things than pain. Whatever you do to me, I will reveal nothing. Only for the life if this man will I give you what you want.'

The Other lets out a long sighing breath. 'How you are altered since we found you. Then you cared for little, not even yourself, for all your bragging. And now that you do, you are made vulnerable. Do you consider this an improvement?' Loki doesn't answer, merely waits for The Other to continue, which he does with a sharp laugh. 'I confess, this change in you intrigues me. I would see you broken again.' Steve feels himself lifted up and the iron grip switches from his wrist to around his neck. He is turned to face Loki and he's glad that at least he doesn't have to die without seeing his face one last time. The Other is speaking again, 'So be it, I will make one final bargain with you. I still owe vengeance to the heroes of this realm, but I will agree to delay it. For a price. Come to me now of your own free will and I will spare his life.'

With one hand around Steve's neck, the Chitauri leader raises the other, palm upward, toward Loki.

'Give yourself gladly to me, submit to my rule without question, and I will let him live, for now. Or you can choose to keep your stubborn pride, your newfound conviction, and I will snap his neck as you watch.' The vile hiss drops to a near whisper, crooning and insidious. 'What is your wish, prince?'

Gazing helplessly at the complex wave of emotions that sweeps Loki's face, Steve is struck by amazement that he could once have considered him evil. Thoughtless, selfish and vain, perhaps, but even at the height of his destructiveness, Loki was an angry child, a wounded animal throwing itself at the bars of its cage. This, this is true evil, and there is no comparison. He wonders if Loki can read his face, just as he can read the god's. Written clearly on those fine, pale features, he can make out anger, and pride, and regret, and love. But then suddenly all those emotions are eclipsed by a great surge of something more immediate - relief. The Other makes a beckoning gesture with his hand, and to Steve's horror, as the guards flanking Loki release their hold on him, the god takes a step toward it.

No no no. He can't let him do this. After two years of servitude Loki is about to sell himself to someone unimaginably worse, and to do it voluntarily. Steve won't be responsible for that, he isn't worth such a sacrifice. He'd rather die. Paralysed, held fast, he realises he still has one weapon at his disposal, although it is no use against the Chitauri. The collar which holds Loki prisoner can at least be used to save him. He summons all his reserves of strength, fills his lungs and manages to croak the words 'Loki, go!'

Immediately the Other tightens the grip on his throat so he can't make a sound, but it's done. Loki has no choice now but to run, and Steve drinks in every last detail of him before the god turns and disappears, leaving him to his fate. One final glimpse of those dazzling green eyes before they're gone for good. He sees the eyes widen in surprise, but then soften into a look of melting tenderness, and a little reproach. 'And leave you? Did you really think I would?' Loki murmurs, as he takes another step forward, and another, and another. He makes it to within an inch of The Other's outstretched hand before the first wave of pain hits and drops him to his knees. The second snaps his head back and Steve sees his features contorted with agony before he collapses to the ground in a writhing heap. As before, the intensity of the pain drives the breath from his lungs, and he makes barely a sound, only the occasional choking sob as his body is wracked with convulsions. Meanwhile his manacled hands claw at the collar, leaving deep red furrows in the flesh around it. And then, just when it seems as though he might pass out from suffocation, he suddenly throws his head back, draws in a huge lungful of air, and screams...

Steve is galvanised by the sound. He can feel a fraction of his strength returning but it's so very slow - he might as well be a drowning puppy, struggling against the hands holding him under. He twists and bucks in a frenzy, and just manages to whisper 'Stop, Loki.. stop...'. And then all of a sudden he feels himself released and dropped to the floor like a forgotten toy. The Other crouches over Loki who is still thrashing weakly, gasping for air, and delicately dabs a finger into the blood trickling from one of the god's nostrils. 'Curious,' he muses, touching the finger to his tongue, 'He screamed as sweetly when he first arrived in our world, did you know that? His journey to us was not an easy one, and he was splintered like a diamond. But this one wears pain like a crown, it makes him truly glorious.' He reaches down and runs the finger around the edge of the collar. 'Scream again for me, little one, I have missed the song of your suffering.' 

Loki looks up at him and tries to speak but no sound emerges. His head falls back weakly, his eyelids fluttering, and The Other leans forward to whisper in his ear. 'No matter, we have time. You are truly mine now.' With that, he gestures to the guards and the four of them converge on Loki. Two of them lift him up, and he hangs limply between them, head bowed forward. The Other takes possession of the Key from his subordinate, and casts one last scornful look at Steve, who is struggling to sit up.

'Say your farewells now, human, you will not see him again. But I shall return, and bring all the power of the cosmos to crush you and your little world. Until then..'

And he turns and strides toward the portal with the guards following close behind, dragging their helpless prisoner. Steve knows he won't catch them, and there's nothing he could do even if he did, but he crawls painfully, desperately after them, mustering all the strength he possesses. And although he is silent, putting all his energy into movement, something inside him is howling wordlessly. The group reaches the door and as they open it, Steve narrows his eyes against the light but won't look away. Not while Loki is still within his field of vision. He wills the god to turn around for one last look, and as if hearing his thought, Loki raises his head slowly. He half-turns his head as if listening, and Steve thinks he can see the trace of a smile quirking his lips. And then he sees the trickster slide one hand around behind himself under his robe. How did he.. ? Then he remembers, it's not the first time he's seen Loki slip out of a pair of handcuffs. And that time he managed to find himself a weapon too. Oh. Something glints in Loki's hand and flashes up under the chin of one of his captors, and the Chitauri doesn't even have time to fall before Loki is slicing the throat of the soldier on the other side. Even through the shock, Steve is able to marvel at the fluidity, the economy of motion, as Loki springs toward The Other and makes a grab for the Key. 

The Other struggles with Loki for a while before hurling him away against the wall where the other two guards pounce on him. They hold him there spreadeagled, searching him for weapons - a second knife is discovered and clatters to the floor. Loki doesn't seem to care though - he is staring intently at the Key, and as the device begins to emit a high-pitched sound, he raises his eyes to The Other and a triumphant grin spreads across his face. The Other stares back, not yet comprehending, and it's only when the sound reaches a crescendo and a pulse of energy throbs through the building, that he finally understands. The light from the portal blinks out in an instant and instead of a gateway, all that remains is the far wall of the room. 

'NO!' Roaring with rage, The Other drops the Key and rushes over to where the portal had been, feeling around the walls with his hands. Finding nothing but solid masonry, he claws at it in a frenzy, gnashing his teeth. Then the hands curl into fists, and he spins around, teeth bared, and grabbing a gun from one of the dead guards, he aims it at Steve's head. And pulls the trigger.

Nothing happens.

But the room is suddenly filled with a new sound, bright and ringing and full of helpless mirth. Loki is laughing. He laughs at the guards holding him pinned against the wall. He laughs as The Other picks up a second gun and fires it at him again and again, only to throw it furiously to the ground. He laughs as the leader shrieks in his face, and showers him with brutal blows. He is still laughing as his legs start to give way, and he begins to choke on his own blood. The soldiers are now holding him up, and he's coughing and gasping for breath, but he still laughs. 

He even laughs as The Other grabs the long knife from the floor and drives it up under his ribs, twisting it cruelly until the laughter turns into a sharp cry. The creature leans in, pushing the blade in up to the hilt, and as Loki groans softly, closing his eyes against the pain, he hisses, 'Traitorous wretch! You are so alone. All your life you have done nothing but make enemies.' Loki cries out again as he withdraws the knife, poised to deliver the final blow. 'Are they going to save you now?'

'I guess so.' The Other has an entire second to look surprised as Clint's arrow buries itself in his skull before the charge goes off and his headless corpse slumps sideways to the floor. The two Chitauri soldiers fail to learn from their leader's lesson and they too are quickly dispatched by the archer, who then begins to check the area for further enemy threats. 

'No more of them in here,' Steve gasps, 'Please, just help Loki.' But he does allow Clint to slip a shoulder under his arm and more or less carry him over to where the god is crumpled on the floor in a rapidly spreading pool of blood. 

'Jesus..' mutters Barton. 'This is not good.' He takes one of Steve's hands and places it over the wound in Loki's chest, pressing it down hard. Loki makes a small pained sound, but Clint tells Steve to keep the pressure on, no matter what. 'It's not over yet,' he says grimly.

He takes up a defensive position in front of the two of them, and sure enough within moments another squadron of Chitauri soldiers bursts into the room. With their weapons disabled they must have all realised that something had gone wrong, and are now converging on the portal. Surrender is apparently not a word in the Chitauri vocabulary - discovering the portal gone and their commander dead, instead they turn on the small group of humans and Clint fires arrow after arrow into the pressing throng. His ammunition won't last for ever and things are starting to look bleak when they hear an enraged roar from the next room, and the sound of bodies thumping against the wall. Clint won't leave Steve and Loki unprotected but he crosses the room to peer around the corner, and Steve is left looking down at the unconscious figure gathered in his arms. Loki's head is lolling back lifelessly and Steve can barely see through the tears as he feels for a pulse, then puts his ear to the god's mouth. Heartbeat, breath, both are so weak as to be almost imperceptible, and he cups the god's cheek with a trembling hand. 'Wake up Loki, please!' There is no response, and in his desperation he shakes the limp body. 'Don't you dare do this. Wake up, now!' In his anguish he even tries to use the power of the collar, but Loki either can't hear him, or is beyond the reach of the collar's magic.

Steve doesn't even realise that the noise next door has stopped until he feels another presence at his side. 

'I am here, brother.' 

Thor kneels down and gently takes Loki's weight from him and the last thing Steve sees before he too yields to unconsciousness are the tears running down Thor's cheeks and into Loki's dark hair.


	17. Despair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst, more hurt, more comfort, but also more Thor! Because I have criminally neglected him in this fic and I feel bad. My redemption is at hand, I trust.  
> Thank you again for the feedback! :))

Steve wakes up back in his bedroom in Stark Tower, and immediately reaches over to the side of the bed where Loki should be. Normality redefines itself so quickly. Already it seems strange that he should not be there, his features blurry with sleep, stretching his supple limbs and turning to Steve with that look. The one that makes him feel at the same time profoundly fascinating and deeply understood. Consciousness wells up through the sand clogging his brain, and he fights it until the last second, sensing that beyond it lies unfathomable heartache and anxiety. But reality always wins in the end, for Steve at least, and he begins to notice the changes in the room - the medical equipment surrounding the bed, the sensors attached to his chest and temples, and the young nurse drowsing in an armchair by the window. Steve moves to sit up despite vehement protestations from his muscles and a pounding headache - this is the nearest thing he's experienced to a hangover since the 40s - and the nurse jumps to her feet and disappears through the door to the adjoining room. Loki's room. A moment later the door opens again and Steve's heart leaps with joy, but it's Nick Fury who enters, his habitual scowl deeper than ever and his posture hunched and weary.

'Director..' Steve begins, but gets no further, knowing that he isn't yet ready to hear the answer to his question. Fury simply nods and pulls the nurse's chair over to Steve's bedside, dropping heavily into it. 

'How about you rest, I'll talk, OK? I'm pretty sure I know what you're going to ask me, anyway.' Fury's one eye makes a quick appraisal of the readings on the nearby monitors. 'The good news is that you're going to be just fine, no permanent damage whatsoever. You've been under for two days, just take it easy for a few more. Seems like you've earned some downtime, and I'm strongly suggesting that you use it. We can manage without you for a while now that the potential threat has been neutralised.'

Fury leans back in his chair with a sigh, 'But that's not what you wanted to know, is it? The invasion is over, however there were.. casualties. Your team-mates, they're all doing ok, but Loki - well, he's alive, just barely. I'm not going to lie to you, Captain, SHIELD's doctors have done everything they can - they've stabilised him, but the damage was considerable. We could lose him.'

Steve hears the 'we' but all he can think is 'I'. I could lose him. 'But he recovered before,' he says weakly, 'He heals quicker than us, maybe we just need to give him more time.'

'I'm not sure he has that much time. I hear what you're saying, but a carving knife through the chest - apparently not even an Asgardian walks away from that one. Stark thinks that if we could get the collar off then Loki's magic might help him pull through, but we've run out of options there. According to Thor's sources, the damn thing doesn't have an off switch, it's basically designed to be a death sentence. And the Key's all out of juice now.' Fury casts a thoughtful glance at the door to Loki's room. 'He knew, didn't he? That using it like he did would destroy his only chance of escape?'

Steve nods, wretchedly, and Fury's eyes return to his face. 'I have to say, this goes far beyond anything I'd anticipated. He is not the same person I met two years ago in that cage - whatever you did to change his attitude, you did a pretty thorough job.'

That rouses Steve from his misery and he almost snaps, 'I'm not going to take credit for his actions, Sir. Don't take that away from him, not after everything he's been through.'

A half-smile plays on Fury's lips, 'OK, that's fair. He's earned a second chance, and I'm going to try and see to it that he gets one. I just hope he hangs in there long enough to take it, I really do.'

Fury gets slowly to his feet. 'Now I know you're going to insist on seeing him so I'm not even going to try and stop you. Just be prepared. You won't like what you see.'

 

There's a wheelchair standing by, but Steve finds he can walk without assistance, provided he moves slowly and ignores the persistent ache threading through every muscle. Fury accompanies him to the door just in case, then he tactfully withdraws, and Steve enters Loki's room alone. The first thing he sees is all the equipment, far more than in his room, machine after machine, beeping and whirring and flashing. They've moved Loki onto a single hospital bed to make room for it all, and amidst all of it he looks small and frail and very very human. An oxygen mask covers his mouth and nose, IV tubes trail from both wrists, and his shirt is open to show an expanse of white bandages around his chest. His eyes are closed and cuts and bruises from the beating still cover his face. The sight fills Steve's vision and it takes him a moment to register Thor, silently watching him from the bedside. Loki's left hand is clasped between both of his larger ones, and he looks as though he hasn't slept in some time.

He acknowledges Steve, but his eyes skitter away from prolonged contact and Steve wonders if he blames him for what happened. He blames himself. If he hadn't fired blindly at the portal, he wouldn't have taken himself out of the action, and he would have been able to step in and help Loki when the time came. He sits down across the bed from Thor but doesn't move to touch the sleeping figure between them. He's not yet sure he has the right.

'I'm so sorry, Thor...' he begins, but the look in the god's eyes as they meet his silences him instantly. 

'You are sorry? You?' If he weren't sitting down, Steve would have taken a step back at the intensity of the rage in Thor's voice. It takes him a second to realise that the rage is not directed at Steve but at himself, but that doesn't make it any easier to hear as the god continues in a broken voice. 'The fault is mine, and no other's. I put my trust in the law, without considering the ancient brutality of my race. And Loki paid the price for my lack of foresight. But that will all change. I shall see to it.' The anger has given way to determination now. 'Do not reproach yourself, I beg you. Let me bear the weight of this, as a king should. Your skills will be called for later, when Loki recovers.'

When he recovers. Steve envies Thor his conviction. His own heart is refusing to tell him what he wants to hear. But it's important that Thor knows what Loki did at the end and he tells him everything, watching pride light up the god's face. If only Loki could see it..

'You and he have saved Asgard, and many more worlds besides,' Thor tells him. 'Perhaps at last Loki will understand that which he has never been able to see - that he has the heart of a hero. He thought me such a fool for believing in him. But now... ' He looks down, his voice cracking, and Steve is filled with a sudden need to unburden himself to his friend, to explain that he isn't the only one who couldn't bear the loss of the slight figure lying motionless between them. He doesn't know how to express himself well enough, so he carefully takes Loki's other hand and presses his lips to the cold fingers one by one, closing his eyes tight. When he opens them, Thor is smiling gently at him. Either Heimdall has already told him what happened between them, or he's seen too much of everything to be surprised any more. Either way it feels as though nothing more needs to be said on the matter. They sit in silence for a while, lost in thought, until it occurs to Steve that Thor must be exhausted. He's probably been here keeping vigil over his brother for two days straight. 

'I'll stay here with him if you want to go and rest next door,' he suggests. 'I promise to wake you if anything happens.' Thor looks grateful but conflicted, and needs some urging before he agrees. Even then he lingers, casting anxious glances back at the bed, before the door finally closes and Steve is left alone with Loki. He hadn't planned it that way, but he is glad now not to have to cloak his emotions for Thor's sake. It all builds up in his chest and he bows his head until his forehead is resting on his and Loki's twined hands. He doesn't weep, that'll come later, but he mourns silently for everything that Loki was, everything he became, and everything he might still become if given the chance. It isn't fair, he thinks childishly. The god has spent too much time already clawing his way back to health to be fighting for his life once again.

'I wanted to save you,' he whispers. 'I didn't think it would be the other way round.'

And he moves to touch his cheek to Loki's, combing his fingers through the tangles of dark hair. 

 

Over the next couple of hours doctors and nurses come and go, but they don't ask him to move, they simply work around him. In all that time Loki doesn't stir, doesn't open his eyes. He isn't even breathing by himself now, the ventilator is doing that for him, and Steve can feel the weakening of his pulse. There's a hushed tone to the voices around him that tells him that hope and time are running out.

He is resting his head on the mattress again, too sick and tired and unhappy to think, when he hears someone behind him quietly speak his name. He looks up and is surprised to see Clint Barton standing at his shoulder, one hand on the back of his chair. In his befuddled state, he thinks that the archer has come to harm Loki, and he starts to stand. But Clint puts a finger to his lips and gestures to him to sit back down. His expression is unreadable as he gazes past Steve at Loki's sleeping face, and eventually he asks, 'How is he doing?'

Taken aback, Steve tells him truthfully that Loki is dying, and he is touched to see that Barton's expression turns grave. 'I'm sorry Steve. I know you've grown close to him. I wish I could've got there sooner.'

'Clint, don't. There are things we all wish we'd done differently, but the only one responsible is the monster that did this to him. You saved him, and whatever happens now, that means so much to me. Especially as I know how you feel about him..'

Clint is still watching Loki with his head on one side and a small frown on his face. 'Yeah, it's complicated. I don't know. I haven't forgotten what he did two years ago, not just to me but to all of us. But what happened this time, the way he put himself on the line, that's kind of hard to forget too. So I'm not saying we're ok, not by a long stretch, but I can live with him being around.'

He heads for the door, but stops halfway and turns back.

'OK I didn't say that very well. I'm trying to tell you that I hope he doesn't die - he doesn't deserve that.'

Steve feels lucky, very lucky, in his friends as he replies with a full heart, 'Thank you Clint.'

 

Steve doesn't know what time it is when the door is wrenched open and Tony Stark appears, looking quite wild and brandishing the Key in one hand. 'Is he...?'

'Yes. No. I don't know what you're asking Tony. What are you doing?'

Tony waves the device at him cryptically, 'Being a genius, I think. Where's Thor? We're gonna need him.'

 

There's no kind way of waking Thor up, since he is of course going to jump to the worst possible conclusion. Steve preempts his question with a swift explanation, 'Don't panic, he's still with us, but you need to hurry. Tony has a plan.'

At Stark's instruction, Thor grabs Mjolnir from the couch and the two of them head off at a run. Tony's last hurried words to Steve are, 'Just keep Loki alive till we get back,' and although he's not quite sure how he's supposed to do that, he returns to his position at the god's bedside and waits. It's not long before the storm begins, and thunder rattles the windows of the tower, pitch-black clouds gathering overhead. Watching them, Steve realises that he is whispering the word 'please' over and over. Please let this work. Tony sounded so sure. ('So I switched the Key back to its original setting - that was the easy bit. Loki pretty much gave me the manual for that. But it's flat, it needs a spectacularly large energy input, and I can't believe I didn't think of this before but we have our very own Norse deus ex machina here. If he does his thing with the hammer up on the roof and we channel the lightning through the reaction chamber - it could work, right? I mean it has to be worth a try?') At this point there is literally nothing Steve wouldn't try. If someone told him that draining every last drop of his lifeblood would bring Loki back from the brink, he would do it without a second thought. And this could, possibly, conceivably, work. He squeezes Loki's limp hand harder than he should, knowing it would hurt if he could feel it, wanting some message to get through to him that they are still trying. That he needs to hold on just a little longer.

Aeons creep by at a snail's pace while they wait together, but in reality it isn't so long before the others return, Stark breathless and soaked to the skin. Thor is curiously unaffected by the weather outside, but sparks are still crackling up and down his arm from Mjolnir and he drops it as he enters, clearly worn out. Tony rushes to the bed and together they all lean over the inert figure. 'It's nowhere nearly fully charged,' Tony explains, 'but it should be enough for a small localised pulse. Just here.' And he touches the Key to the collar, looks around at the two anxious faces hovering nearby, and activates it. 

The shrill whine is quieter than before, and the pulse when it comes is barely noticeable, at least not to them. Loki however bucks violently and his head jerks to one side as if slapped. The machines are going crazy and his vital signs are all over the place, and it's only when they've calmed him down and reassured the alarmed doctor who appears on the scene that they notice the collar lying open on the pillow beside Loki's head.

Steve is the first to move, and he sweeps it onto the floor like a repulsive insect, wanting it instantly as far away from Loki as possible. Thor is next, as he fetches Mjolnir from the doorway and raises it above his head. He looks questioningly at Tony, and the scientist barely hesitates before dropping the Key onto the floor next to the collar. Then they watch as Mjolnir descends, obliterating both devices with one mighty blow.

'And now I guess we wait.' Tony bends over the bed again to examine Loki but the god has reverted to his previous deathly stillness, and there's no discernible change in his condition. So they all stay, because there doesn't seem to be anywhere else to be for the moment, and they sit around his bed talking quietly about nothing. And later that night, as Steve leans over to stroke Loki's hair, he notices that the bruises on his face have faded ever so slightly, and the cut across the bridge of his nose has all but disappeared. But before he points it out to the other two, he just holds this moment quietly in his heart like a secret that only he and Loki share. And he's no longer sure which god he's addressing when he whispers 'thank you'.


	18. Catharsis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this might be the penultimate chapter, though I don't want to commit to that until the last one's finished. I'm going to be quite upset when it's over, but it's probably a good thing because I'll be able to listen to people again when they're talking to me instead of running through plot points in my head.  
> This has been so much fun though! And I'm so grateful to everyone for keeping me going - you complete me! X

'Steve..'

'Steve?'

The voice is calm and reassuring, and that filters through even to Steve's sleeping brain. It's safe to wake up, it tells him - everything is going to be alright. He raises his head blearily from his arm, and sees Bruce standing across the bed from him. The others are gone, and he must have dropped off at some point during the night. His fingers are touching Loki's, but he can't feel them since his arm is asleep from the elbow down. As he shakes the limb back to life, Bruce smiles affectionately at him and motions toward the god with his head. 'Look.'

The marks on Loki's face have all but completely healed, and he looks peacefully asleep rather than haggard and sick. The oxygen mask is off, and there's just the one drip-feed in his arm. 'He's healing well,' Bruce tells Steve in a low voice. 'It'll take time, but he's out of danger now.' He narrows his eyes disapprovingly. 'I wish you'd go and have a proper rest though.'

'I feel good, honestly,' Steve insists. And it's true. The bone-deep ache is gone and he feels oddly invigorated after his nap. Bruce shakes his head slightly and bends down to peer into Loki's eyes with a pen torch. 'Fine, why would you take my advice anyway? I'm not your doctor.' He straightens up. 'He didn't die this time, but it was close, really close. When are you all going to stop acting as though you're immortal and start looking after yourselves? I mean it.' 

Steve feels properly chastened - Bruce has clearly been upset by this whole business - but he feels he has to say something in his defence. 'I appreciate that you worry about us, Bruce, and I guess we do all take things for granted sometimes. But you know, it's not my serum that gives me real confidence, or Tony's suit or Thor's hammer - it's you guys. I know we're not immortal (well, except you maybe) but knowing that we're all looking out for each other - that sometimes makes me feel like everything's going to be ok. I promise though - I won't push it, I'll be careful. It's not fair to expect you to just keep patching us up whenever things go wrong.'

'Of course I will, don't be an idiot,' Bruce huffs, visibly moved. 'Look, I worry about you, that's all. And now I've got to worry about him too' (waving an arm at Loki) 'and I really didn't see that one coming. It's actually not that fun being indestructible, you know - you're just more aware of the damage around you. So promise me you'll all try not to die, ok?'

It's an oddly-phrased request, but Steve understands, and he repeats his promise. Bruce looks satisfied with that, and turns to leave with one final threat. 'Oh, and please go and eat something, will you? Or I will have them sedate you and we'll do it the hard way.'

He closes the door softly, but perhaps not softly enough, as Loki opens his eyes, slowly slowly, and blinks a few times as if trying to see through a thick fog. As his focus returns, his gaze alights on Steve and a tired but happy smile lights up his face. 'It was not, in retrospect, my best plan,' he whispers huskily, and Steve's face also cracks into a grin.

'Well it did work, even if it nearly got you killed. And can we add that to the list of things we need to talk about later - recklessly suicidal acts of heroism?'

'Do not exaggerate,' Loki sniffs. 'It was not reckless, it was carefully engineered. The best I could do at short notice.'

'Either way, don't do it again. You don't know how frightened I've been. Sitting here watching you, not knowing if you were going to pull through. It was the worst time of my life.'

Loki's eyes are huge and solemn now as they scrutinise his face, and Steve has to ask what he's thinking. 'I was imagining myself in that chair and you lying here, hovering between life and death. I was thinking I could not have borne it, and I am sorry that you had to. I would never knowingly cause you pain.'

Steve smiles inwardly - he once read an article which listed the characteristics of a typical psychopath: inability to empathise, lack of remorse, pathological lying and great personal charm. While that does describe the Loki of two years ago to a T, this proves how very much he has changed. This Loki, his Loki, feels empathy and remorse, and the lying is.. well, if not cured, at least a lot better than it was. As for the charm - evidently under all the manipulative feigned charm there lay an innate and genuine kind, so that's actually remained a constant. He doesn't think any of his friends will be tossing the 'psycho' label around any more, but he's prepared to defend Loki to the last if needs be.

Meanwhile Loki still has questions, and he struggles to sit up, but his arms are too shaky to support him. He glares at Steve as he sinks back down onto the pillows. 'I hate being so weak, especially in front of you. It is not how I wish you to see me.' And yet vulnerability does suit you, thinks Steve, and is instantly disturbed by the thought. Instead he points out that Loki is only weakened through his own courageous act of self-sacrifice and that's hardly anything to be embarrassed about, but Loki isn't convinced, and changes the subject tersely. 

'Your companions are all alive?'

'They certainly are.'

'And the Chitauri defeated?'

'Every last one. And the rest of them have no way back here, thanks to you - you saved us all, can't you let yourself take just a little credit for that?'

Loki doesn't seem to register this last - he is fidgeting restlessly and his gaze seems to turn inward for a moment. 'I feel strange.. something is different. Am I dying?'

Steve's heart gives a small wrench. 'No! No no. You were - I mean, you were critical for a while back there, but you're mending fast now. You're strong, Bruce says you'll be just fine.' Loki still looks confused, like someone searching their mouth for a missing tooth, and Steve wonders.. 'But you're right, something is different,' he tells him gently. 'It's not a bad thing though, it's a really really good thing. Can't you tell yet?'

He's still speaking as realisation dawns, and Loki draws in a deep shuddering breath, groping blindly for Steve's hand. Steve holds on until the panic attack passes, and Loki's breathing slows to almost normal. His eyes are still wide though and his other hand is shaking as he reaches up to his throat. Feeling nothing there, he swallows hard and turns a disbelieving gaze on Steve. 

'Gone?' 

Steve nods slowly.

Loki lets out a sound between a sob and a sigh. 'And my magic?' 

'There's no reason to think it's not back to normal, but maybe wait a bit before...' It's too late - the fingers of Loki's free hand have curled upward, and a small pool of bluish light is flickering like water in his palm. Then just as quickly it winks out and Loki closes his fist, hissing in pain. But he quickly intercepts Steve's remonstrations, saying, 'It is nothing, don't fuss. An atrophied muscle sore from lack of use. My powers will return with time.' He then favours Steve with a sweet smile to take the sharpness from his words. 'Thank you for helping me. I am glad.'

Steve laughs aloud. 'You're glad? That you're not dead or a slave and you have the use of your powers again? Understatement isn't usually your thing - I think I'd be a bit more than just glad. Anyway, I didn't do anything, Tony rebooted the Key and Thor recharged it, so they're the ones you should thank. When you're better of course.'

Loki suddenly looks tired again. 'Thor is here?'

'Of course - he's been here by your side for days. He'll be so happy to see you awake.'

Loki doesn't answer, just stares emptily through him, his mind obviously elsewhere. The silence becomes oppressive, and Steve feels a little awkward as he adds lamely, 'It's so great that you're feeling better. And that you're free now.'

'Yes. I suppose I.. it will perhaps take time to process it all.' (A small frown kinks Loki's brow and the word 'adorable' pops uninvited into Steve's head.) 'And yet, I do not at this moment feel free.'

Steve knows exactly what he means, but he isn't going to explain it to Loki, not just yet. The god is going to have to come to his own conclusions about being in a relationship, and everything that entails. It's entirely possible that feeling genuine responsibility for another person is a first for Loki and he might have some trouble adjusting to it. Steve can wait. Not that he wants to - he is aching to sweep Loki up in his arms and take him somewhere quiet and private where he can run his hands over every inch of his body and reassure himself that Loki is whole, himself again, and still alive to his touch. But he has standards to uphold, and ravishing a convalescent stab victim only recently freed from slavery is unlikely to conform to those standards, however appealing it might seem. It's even too soon to have any kind of a conversation about their relationship, much as he'd like to. The important thing is that Loki needs to rest.

He gently disentangles his hand and stands up. 'This can all wait until tomorrow. I'm going to tell the others the good news - try and get some more sleep and we'll talk soon.' He leans down and as Loki's mouth reaches for his, he twists his face away and kisses him tenderly on the forehead. He sees something pained flash across the god's face as he straightens up, but he's doing this for Loki's own good. It won't help either of them to get worked up now, since he doesn't entirely trust himself to exercise restraint where Loki is concerned. The look lingers however, and Steve feels a guilty pang as he turns his back and slips out of the room.

 

* * * * *

He finds Thor in the kitchen, as usual - possibly due to the fact that Stark keeps a better-stocked refrigerator than anyone Steve has ever met (on last inspection his own contained half a jar of mayo and a single shrivelled potato). The TV is on, but Thor isn't really watching it, just staring toward it and grazing listlessly, lost in a reverie of some sort. Steve pulls up a chair and a plate of assorted cheeses and Thor looks up, startled but then immediately pleased. He claps Steve heartily on the back, beaming, and pours him a large beer from a pitcher. 

'I have just spoken to Banner and am in excellent spirits. Let us drink a toast to my brother's continued health, with this weak and inferior ale.'

Steve is happy to comply, and hadn't realised how thirsty he was until he sees Thor refilling his empty glass. 'And another toast to Banner, and to Barton and Stark for their timely assistance!' 

Steve raises his glass, but takes just a mouthful this time - he's getting an idea of the general tone of festivities on Asgard, and highly doubts they're familiar with the concept of 'pacing yourself'. Not that he can get drunk any more, but still, old habits die hard.

Thor is raising his glass again but Steve heads him off, sensing that they could be here all night otherwise. 'It was good teamwork, and we couldn't have done it without you either, Thor. I've told Loki what you did, but you should really go and talk to him yourself. He's resting now, but you must both have a lot of questions for each other - speaking of which, how is the situation back home? I forgot to ask earlier.'

Thor waves his hand distractedly, spilling beer everywhere. 'Asgard is stable, I thank you, but we will talk more of that another time. For now, there is another matter I would discuss with you. One more personal in nature.' Steve is a little alarmed to see an expression on Thor's face which is best described as shyness - not something he would ordinarily associate with the god. Intrigued, and a bit apprehensive, he offers whatever help he can.

Thor continues, his eyes downcast. 'I need your advice on how first to approach Loki.'

Steve is only surprised for a moment - he really should have seen this coming. As integral as the two brothers are to each others' lives, putting them in a room together hasn't traditionally been a good move, for them or for anyone within a 2-mile radius. Thor isn't always the most sensitive of people, while a conversation with Loki often feels like the wire loop game, where you risk an electric shock every time your hand slips just a millimetre. Of course Thor would be worried after everything that's happened. 'Wow, I'm not really sure there's a right answer, Thor. It's not exactly an ordinary situation.'

Thor leans forward, urgently. 'I know it will be hard, but I crave your opinion nonetheless. You seem to understand my brother as I never could.'

Now it's Steve's turn to be embarrassed. 'Actually I don't think I understand him that well at all. I wish I did.'

Thor sits back again, appraising him thoughtfully. 'Ahh, then perhaps that is your secret - you assume nothing, you simply take him as he is. You are indeed a wise man, Steve Rogers.'

Steve is fairly certain that's not the case, but he is sure of one thing. 'All I know is, he survived two years that would have destroyed anyone else, and he came through it stronger than ever. But when he thought you'd abandoned him, well, he lost himself for a while there. He'd done so much to alienate you, but when he thought he'd actually succeeded, it really frightened him. So I don't know how you should approach him, I'm sorry - I wish I could help you there. But the important thing is that you do, and sooner rather than later. He needs you, more than he will ever admit, and you just need to remember that.'

Thor's eyes are brimming, and he nods his head, too overcome for the moment to speak. When his voice returns, he thanks Steve quietly, and lays an affectionate hand on his shoulder. 'Then as soon as he is rested I shall go and see him. But I would ask one more favour of you... brother.' Steve is so touched by this that there's nothing he wouldn't agree to, but fortunately Thor's request is a small one. 'Will you come with me?'

 

* * * * *

'I told you before, you do not need to knock.'

Loki is sitting by the window when they enter, his feet up on a chair and his ankles elegantly crossed. He greets Steve with a warm smile, which freezes the moment he catches sight of Thor, lurking uncomfortably behind him in the doorway.

Steve currently has other concerns however. 'Did the doctors say you could get out of bed already?'

'Yes.'

'Please don't lie to me, Loki.'

The god shrugs, 'Very well, no. But are you not pleased that at least I can get out of bed? Of course I may need your help getting back into it.' He casts Steve a nakedly suggestive glance from under lowered lashes, but Steve can't help but notice that his eyes flick briefly toward Thor. Defiance, he thinks, he wants to show his brother that he doesn't need him any more, that he's found someone else who will stand by him. And it occurs to him that it's just possible he understands Loki better than he thought.

'You and I can talk later,' he answers, not wanting to get involved in Loki's messed-up power play, 'but right now, I think it's more important that you two have a conversation.' Anger and something else - fear perhaps? - flashes across Loki's face, but Steve hardens himself. This needs to happen. 'I'll be next door if you need me.'

'Do not go.'

Both brothers speak simultaneously, and Steve turns back to find them staring at him, panicked and pleading. How can these beings be so old in years, and yet so very very young? Feeling like the oldest person in the room by far, he shakes his head, exasperated, 'If that's what it takes... ok. But in return you both need to act like adults, or I'm leaving.' He settles himself on the couch, as far away from the two of them as he can manage, and picks up a newspaper left by one of the medical staff. Of course he doesn't read a word of it.

 

Thor approaches Loki slowly, cautiously, as if he'll either attack him or make a bolt for it. Neither is entirely out of the question. But his younger brother just watches him suspiciously until he is almost beside him. He lets Thor stand there awkwardly for just the right amount of time before reluctantly removing his feet from the spare chair and making an imperious gesture toward it. Having effectively been granted an audience, Thor sits down, and the uncomfortable silence continues. It's all Steve can do not to butt in, but he senses that it's best to just let them take their time. 

Finally, and with a deep sigh, Loki seems to takes pity on Thor, and speaks first. 'How is our mother?'

With audible relief in his voice, Thor tells him, 'She has been gravely ill, but is now recovering at last. She will be much heartened by the news of your return to health - I am certain Heimdall will have informed her of this, and of your deeds.'

A slight humph from Loki, then silence, and Thor continues tentatively, 'Our father is also well.'

'I do not care to hear news of him', Loki almost growls. 'Why would you speak to me of this?'

'Loki please', begs Thor, 'I do not condone what he did, but I now have greater understanding of the duties which underlie sovereignty, the agony of decision-making. Being a king is...'

A sharp intake of breath from Loki, followed by a slow exhale. 'Aah! So Asgard has a new king now. And yet the Allfather still lives! How was it done, tell me? A bloodless coup, no doubt, since you would not have the stomach for civil war.' 

There is a sneer in Loki's voice, but Thor answers him seriously, 'You taunt me, brother, but I will tell you. There were many in Asgard who supported my claim to the throne, and they began to vastly outnumber those still faithful to Odin. It was when he realised this that our father understood that he must bow to the will of the people and yield his place as ruler. He acted like a true king and gave up his throne. I think he will learn to be fully reconciled with this one day, although he will not yet admit it. But I know that our mother is grateful at least.'

Loki gives a bitter laugh. 'Well, you have at last succeeded where I failed. I congratulate you.'

Thor is sounding very upset now, 'Do not do this, Loki. I know that you have changed, do not pretend otherwise. After all that you went through, surely you do not still desire that which you cannot have. Do not fight with me on this, not again.'

Loki's voice is raised too, 'You understand nothing! You truly think I begrudge you the throne?'

'Then what, brother? Tell me why you are angry with me.'

'Because you left me behind!!' 

Loki rises unsteadily to his feet and Steve nearly goes to him but he knows there's no way he can intervene now. Thor stands too, and reaches out for his brother, but Loki vanishes in front of his eyes. They don't even have a second to panic before he reappears again, clutching his wounded chest with a whimpering cry and hunching forward with pain. This time Steve does start toward him, but he puts out a warning hand, still pressing the other to his bandages. Thor however stays still, waiting. Loki has only just begun.

'You took me to my punishment and then you left me there! I was tortured, beaten, defiled, and the worst of it was that it was you who led me to that!'

Thor's shoulders are heaving as he relives the guilt of the last two years. 'I admit it. That is the thought that has tormented me since last I saw you.'

'I waited for you to save me, but you never came! I lost hope, everything..'

'Again, you are right. Please forgive me, Loki.'

There's a hysterical edge to Loki's voice as he almost shrieks, 'I cannot, I will not! You abandoned me - you let me suffer while you plotted to be king!'

'NO!' 

The power in Thor's voice resonates through the room, and silences even Loki. He sounds like his father. 

'NO, LOKI! Do you not understand? I did it for you. I never wanted the throne, I wished only for the power to absolve you. I knew no other way of saving you, but that is all I ever wanted. You are my brother - I would die for you.'

Loki's voice is low and broken now. 'Liar.'

'You know it is the truth. Look at me.' And finally Thor dares to step forward and grasp Loki's shoulders, forcing him to look into his eyes. 'I love you, brother. And I will not cease from saying it until you believe me.'

Loki turns his head away, but something in him is weakening, and Thor persists. 'Please look at me. I will always live with the guilt of knowing that I was not there for you, that I did not save you. But all the same I would ask your forgiveness, here and now.'

'Stop.. please stop.' Loki's voice is barely a whisper, but the grief in it is still raw and harsh.

'I am sorry. I am so very sorry.'

'No..'

'Yes, Loki.'

'No Thor, I am sorry. Forgive me... brother.' As Thor pulls his errant, complicated, beloved brother into his arms, Loki's strength gives out and the two of them sink to their knees on the floor. And Thor kneels, rocking him gently as he sobs out his pain and loss and despair until there's nothing left, just a tired young god cradled in his brother's strong embrace.

And they are still kneeling there together as Steve silently leaves the room.


	19. Ending

Steve doesn't want to be alone, but he feels that there are times when a person should be alone. He has to think - there are hard decisions to be made and he mustn't be swayed or weakened by the arguments of his friends or the distracting presence of Loki. He leaves Stark Tower, which he is already beginning to think of as 'home', and makes his way to a small park he knows, a few blocks away. It isn't crowded, just a scattering of other people, and he watches them from a bench, remembering what it felt like to be unexceptional. He finds that in fact it isn't so very hard - he's always felt ordinary, a plain receptacle for an extraordinary power, with nothing of his own to make him special. He doesn't have Bruce and Tony's brilliance or Clint and Natasha's natural skills, and as for Thor and Loki, they were born to be leaders, to wield power. So where does he really fit in? 

What, when it comes down to it, is the actual basis of his relationship with Loki? Mutual physical attraction on the surface, of course, but what did Loki really see in him? Could he have felt genuine love for someone who had power of life and death over him, and even if he thought he did, what if it was just emotional confusion, a sort of Stockholm Syndrome? Or could he simply have mistaken gratitude for love? No, they can't carry on as though nothing has changed - Loki needs time away from him to consider whether this is what he really wants. Thor will be going back soon, to Asgard, and it makes sense for Loki to go with him. He'll want to go home, surely. And then, if he decides to come back, they'll have to start over again and find out if whatever was between them was real. Anything else would be taking advantage of him. 

And yet for Steve, there's no question that it was real, more real than anything he's ever experienced. He thinks back on those too few happy hours, and pictures Loki in rapture beneath him, delirious with pleasure. The power he felt then, and the powerlessness, it was just as the god described it - exquisite. And he didn't mention this at the time, but when Loki's eyes flew open and gazed up at him with sightless ecstasy, he could see his soul, as clearly as he's ever seen anything. Loki is by far the most precious thing in his life, but he'll give him up if he has to, because it's the right thing to do. 

He finds his thoughts returning to the bond between the two brothers, and the intensity of their love for each other. Of course this is just the start of their reconciliation, there is still much ground to be covered, but he wonders how much Loki will need him now that he has Thor to care for him again. The connection between them is unbreakable, irreplaceable, and he would never stand between them - because in the end he wants what's best for Loki, even if it means the death of his own dreams. 

 

* * * * *

 

Steve lets Thor have his little brother to himself for the whole of the next day, and he doesn't see Loki until that evening. He's gone up to the penthouse living room to look for Tony, hoping the inventor can lift his mood, and finds him there in the company of Bruce, Clint and Thor. They are lounging around, sharing a bottle of single malt Scotch, and as Steve enters he hears the low pleasant hum of idle conversation. He's surprised that Thor would have left Loki, and only when he rounds the nearest sofa does he realise that he hasn't. Loki is slouching low in it, a glass of whisky in one hand and a half-smile on his face as he listens to the light banter around him. He'd look perfectly at home in a Victorian gentleman's club were it not for the fact that he's barefoot and wearing pyjamas under his robe. Still smiling, he reaches out with his other hand as Steve passes, so that their fingers brush lightly against each other - it's a quietly intimate gesture, and somehow made all the more so by the presence of the others. When he looks up, Steve notices that he is still rather pale and tired-looking, but much improved from before. And there's a warmth about him, a relaxed quality that can't be attributed solely to the alcohol. He seems.. happy? And there's a playful glint in his eyes as he asserts, 'Before you ask, yes, this time the doctors did say I could get out of bed.'

'Did they say you could come all the way up here and get drunk with a bunch of reprobates?'

Loki chuckles delightedly, and Bruce chips in with, 'Let's call it medicinal. For all of us. Anyway, hands up who here can get properly drunk these days. Clint?'

'It's been a while, but I can when I need to, sure.' 

Before the implications of that darken the general good mood, Tony adds, 'You can blame me if you want - I offered Loki a drink two years ago and I'm a man of my word. Besides, I think he deserves a nip at the good stuff, don't you?' and he salutes Loki with his glass. 

Loki elegantly returns the gesture. 'I really should have accepted your offer back then, Stark - this drink has a curiously mellowing effect.' He holds it up to the light before taking another slow sip, his eyes fixed on Steve over the rim of the glass. Politely accepting a proffered dram, Steve seats himself across from Thor. The thunder god is almost bursting with euphoria, and although his eyes wander affectionately from one to another of his friends, they constantly return to Loki with a gleam of wonder. Loki is pretending not to notice, but it is clear that he is acutely aware of his brother's gaze and seems happy to bask in the radiance of it. How perfectly they compliment each other, the dark and the light. How could Steve ever imagine that he could separate them?

He hears himself ask, almost casually, 'So when do you think you'll go back home, Thor? Your people must be wondering what's happened to their king.'

'Worry not, Steve Rogers, the people of Asgard know why I am here. And my mother acts as regent in my absence. But I will not tarry long - she will be longing to see both her sons again, reunited!' And there it is. They're going home. Loki doesn't say anything, just swills the whisky round in his glass, but he doesn't deny it either and Steve feels all his happiness drain hopelessly away. Loki is leaving. And who can say when, or even if, he'll be coming back?

Meanwhile Thor is telling them more about Asgard. 'You will not find it greatly altered, Loki, it is still the home that you knew. But there have been changes to our laws and some of our more archaic customs.' He turns to the others to explain, 'When a generation lasts for several hundred years, it takes longer for a civilisation to evolve. But I believe that we are moving forward, slowly. My first act as king was to revoke Loki's sentence, a decision which was widely supported. It is most strange, but before your trial, Loki, I would not have thought to challenge our father's rule, for I believed I could never be as good a king as he. But he was unable to admit his mistakes, and I have learnt the importance of that. Never again will a citizen of Asgard be made to suffer as you were. I wish my people to feel safe under my rule, not afraid.' He sighs, 'But there is still much work to be done, more than I had realised. Power is indeed a burden not a reward.'

'Not the way I did it,' Loki says slyly under his breath, eliciting a snigger from Tony. If Loki were staying, thinks Steve, he would have to keep a close eye on those two. They are too similar by half, and Loki isn't the only one with a propensity for mischief.

'But enough jest,' Loki continues, 'I hear you, brother. And besides, it seems to me now that power over others is overrated - power over oneself is all that matters. You will be a good king, Thor.'

Thor brushes away happy tears and booms, 'And you will be a good Avenger! Here we are, brother, fighting on the same team again as in days of old. How I have missed this!'

'Sentiment...' There is no mockery in Loki's voice this time, only fondness. 'I am hardly a member of the team, Thor. I do not delude myself that my past is forgotten, or that your companions would yet feel confident with me doing battle at their side.'

'Then let's hope we don't have to find out any time soon,' Tony breaks in. 'Look, I've been thinking, I don't know exactly what kind of a deal Fury had in mind when he signed you up, but you're welcome to stay here until things are sorted out - that room is yours now. Just remember, if you go all Gozer on us again and trash the place, it's coming out of your allowance.'

Loki inclines his head thoughtfully and regards him for a moment before speaking. 'You say much that is incomprehensible to me, Stark. But for those of your words I do understand, I am grateful. In fact, I am grateful to each one of you - I know that I would not be alive now were it not for you.' He looks at each of them in turn, his face serious. 'I know that it will take time, but if you will let me, I will endeavour to succeed as a friend where I failed as an enemy.'

It is gracefully spoken, and heartfelt, and it seems apt that Clint should be the one to answer. 'Well there's no harm in trying, at least. I'll drink to that.'

In the momentary lull that follows, Steve finds himself thinking - they all saved you, but I didn't. I don't deserve you. And the whisky does nothing to undo the knot of disquiet in the pit of his stomach.

 

A little later, Loki drains his glass and rises to his feet, professing the need to sleep. He catches Steve's eye, 'May I also have a word with you alone, Captain?' As Steve stands up, he is relieved to notice that no comment is made about their simultaneous exit. He doubts that Tony is the only one to have noticed recent developments in his relationship with Loki, but they all seem to be dealing with it remarkably well. They've had to get used to a lot lately, he supposes, and this is just one more thing in the scheme of it. They aren't even out of the room before Loki takes his arm, leaning into him with his whole body, and he can't help but glance quickly behind him. The others have resumed their conversation, and only Tony flashes him a knowing smile before turning back to the group.

They are quiet on the way downstairs - Loki seems genuinely tired, it wasn't a ploy, and content to simply draw comfort from his support. But as they reach his room, he takes Steve's hand and draws him inside, shutting the door behind them. The memory of the last time they were alone like this threatens to undermine Steve's self-control. It would be so easy to just sweep Loki back onto the bed and show him a hundred reasons why he should stay. To to hell with what's right - Loki belongs here, in his arms. And he can tell that that's what Loki wants him to do by the brightness of his eyes and the slight flush on his cheeks. He almost groans with the burden of rectitude. He knows what he has to do, but he doesn't want to do it. Clarifying things in his own mind was one thing, explaining it to Loki face to face quite another.

'Your friends are generous of spirit,' Loki is saying as he moves pointedly toward the bed. 'And I think that, for a while at least, I will take Stark up on his offer of hospitality.'

'When you get back from Asgard, you mean?'

He's noticed that Loki still touches his neck in moments of uncertainty, as if checking the collar is gone. He does so now, as he turns a questioning smile on Steve. 'I am going to Asgard? Really? I do not recall our having that conversation.'

'I assumed you'd be going back with Thor. He certainly assumes that.'

'Thor tends to assume a great many things, it is one of his faults. And you believed him? Why, Captain Rogers, you might trust me, but you have little faith in me! You think that I will leave you now simply because I can?' Loki moves back toward him, his hands snaking around Steve's waist. 'I am as bound to you now as ever, more so even. Would you like me to prove it to you?'

Steve resists the fierce urge to return the embrace and he keeps his voice calm and measured as he answers, 'I actually thought it was a good idea for you to go back with him.'

Again, that endearing little frown, as Loki disengages his arms. 'But I do not wish to go. I am not wanted or needed on Asgard - they have Thor as their champion and are well served.'

'Then Thor needs you. And admit it, you need him.'

'He does not need me, he needs only to know that I am safe and well. And as for me, Thor will always hold a special place in my heart, but he is my brother, not my lover. I need you.'

And Steve braces himself to ask the question which could unravel his entire world. 'Do you really though?'

Loki is beginning to look confused, and it breaks his heart as the god asks in a hurt voice, 'What are you doing? I thought that mind games were my domain. Don't be cruel, it does not become you.'

Steve's resolve falters, and he draws on all his powers of fortitude to be strong in the face of Loki's distress. It'll hurt him less later, he thinks, hating himself all the same. 'Don't you think that after everything you've been through, you need some distance from me, from all this, to get your head straight? I know I would.'

Stepping back from him, Loki stumbles a little and gasps, pressing a hand to his breast. Steve starts toward him but the god flinches away from his touch. 'It is only pain,' he says bitterly. 'Pain will heal. But this I do not understand. Are you rejecting me, sending me away? You felt safe with me before because I was neutered, like a disobedient pet. And now that you no longer control me, you cannot trust me, is that it?' Something horrible dawns behind his eyes and his whole body stiffens. 'Are you... do you fear me now?'

And with a great lurch of his heart, Steve realises he's made a terrible mistake. What is he doing? He's pushing Loki away at exactly the moment when he most needs love and reassurance. Of course that's how it would look to him - as if Steve only desired him when he had control over him, and wants nothing to do with the real Loki. God, he must feel so used. Panic overwhelms him and in his misery he can't think how to make this right. 

Loki sees the fear in his eyes and naturally misinterprets it. His hand flies to his mouth and he looks as though he might be sick.

'No, wait! Let me explain,' Steve begs. Loki shakes his head slowly from side to side, but doesn't actually make a move to go, so Steve presses on, 'Loki, I've been such a fool. I was trying to help, to make things easier for you and I've just made everything so much worse. I should have just told you from the start what I was thinking - let me tell you now. I am afraid, yes, but not of you. Well, yes, a little of you, but only because you have far too much power over me.'

'And you truly think I would use use my powers to hurt you? After everything that has happened?'

'That's not what I meant!' Steve feels like he's drowning, and Loki's pulling him under. 'I don't mean your magic or your strength, not that kind of power. I mean you. I mean everything you do and say and are. Look at you, standing there now, hurt and angry and gorgeous, and you're... it's almost too much. I have no defence against you and sometimes that scares me because I love you so much and it's so new to me, so overwhelming. But it's not about control, I promise you. Even when you were still wearing the collar, it never felt for a moment like I possessed you. It was always the other way around.' Loki is stock still now, his eyes wide. Dizzy with love, Steve grips his hands and wills him to understand.  
'Of course I don't want you to go. I'm just trying to do the right thing because that's all I know. It's different for me, nothing's changed, I know exactly how I feel about you, but you - you've had to deal with so much, things I can't even imagine, and I'm trying not to crowd you, so that you have the space to think about what you really want. But it's so hard.. ' His voice breaks a little, but he carries on, knowing that if he doesn't explain himself properly now, he could lose Loki forever. 'And yes, I'm scared. I'm terrified actually, that you won't come back to me. What if you get some distance and suddenly all this, being with me, just seems like a stupid mistake? Part of me wants nothing more than to keep you here forever and never give you the chance to question whether you've made the right choice. But that would be wrong and in the end I couldn't live with the not knowing.'

'Not knowing what?' Loki asks, still dazed and a little suspicious.

'Not knowing whether you loved me or not.'

'Oh...' 

Loki closes his eyes, and folds his arms around himself while his thoughts settle. Steve wants more than anything to touch him, to hold him, but he doesn't know if he should. He's already made so many mistakes.. The silence seems to stretch on interminably until finally he can no longer contain himself.

'Tell me what you're thinking, Loki, please, I can't bear it.'

Loki's eyes open at last, and they are wonderfully clear as they meet his. The god heaves a sigh. 'I'm thinking that you are right, Steve Rogers. You are a fool. Do you not think I too am afraid of losing you? I know well that I am far from healed, in my mind as well as my body. I have much to think on, and a new life to build, and it will not be easy. But I also know that I wish this new life to begin here, on Midgard, with you. I will see Asgard again, and my mother, but I am not yet ready for that. I know what I need, and it is not distance from you, but your presence, and your help, if you will give it.'

'Anything you want, Loki, just ask for it.'

'Then.. will you put your arms around me? I need to trust for myself that your feelings have not changed.'

'Oh god. Yes..'

And he pulls Loki toward him, crushing him against his chest with all the force of his relief. And just as he feels he might squeeze all the breath from him, so intense is his need, he relaxes his arms just enough to allow the god to fill his lungs with a deep blissful gasp. Their mouths find each other, and at last he's done something right - this is how he tells Loki how he really feels. Loki's skin seems almost electrically charged at the touch of his fingers. There's a slight change to the sensation of him - Steve felt his touch just before their skin made contact, like an energy field around him (the magic, he reminds himself). But then again even without the magic, Loki's aura has always exceeded his physical presence. This was Steve's error - Loki's deceptive slenderness conceals an indomitable inner strength. He should have trusted him to know his own mind.

When they break the kiss for a moment, Loki murmurs into his shoulder, 'I think you have fallen into the habit of looking after me. You do not need to take the responsibility all to yourself - talk to me. Do not try and second guess what is good for me.' Steve is thoroughly ashamed, but Loki is surprisingly gentle in his reproach. 'And you should listen to your friends more, even Stark could have told you that I would wish to stay. Trust us. The burden of decision-making is not yours alone.' He nuzzles into Steve's neck, while running nimble fingers up the curve of his spine, 'And if you still wish to tell me what to do, I can think of a better use for that urge which we will both enjoy far more.'

How could he be so lucky? After messing up so badly, how does he deserve such happiness? Steve is close to just letting go, letting it all go, but... 'I'm so stupid, I almost ruined everything. I don't have a whole lot of experience when it comes to relationships, so I'm fumbling round in the dark here.'

'I recall the last time you pleaded lack of experience, and yet you proved yourself then to be more than capable.' Loki purrs wickedly. 'Experience is not everything. I think that perhaps we will manage, as long as we are always honest with each other.' He smiles. 'And if honesty does not frighten me, then surely it will not deter you, my brave Captain.'

And Steve doesn't question it any more - maybe he doesn't deserve this much joy, but as long as it is within his grasp, he is going to hold onto it with all the strength he possesses. Loki makes a small sound of surprise as he pushes him back onto the bed, followed by a low moan of pleasure as he kneels over the god and begins to unfasten his clothing. Loki's breath is quickening and he is moving impatiently beneath him, but as Steve reaches up to pull off his own t-shirt, the god puts a hand to his chest. 'Wait.'

Half-dressed and trembling beneath him with desire, Loki admits to one final confession. 'The mistake was also mine. I do not think I have ever said the words aloud because I thought you knew. How could you not know? I heard them in every word I spoke to you and it seemed to me that you must have heard them too. But it was naive of me. Forgive me.' His hand moves to its familiar spot over Steve's heart. 'I saw your face when I thanked the others earlier - you were thinking that you did not deserve thanks, that you did nothing to help me. But you did everything. You saved me before they did, by showing me that I was worth saving. For that, and for being who you are, I love you.' He lies back, and the look in his eyes dispels any lingering doubt in Steve's mind as he repeats the words, 'I love you'.

And then it only remains for them to prove to each other exactly how much.

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm quite emotional right now! Please please let me know what you think - did you like? was there anything I could have done better? I'm pretty sure this isn't going to be my one and only attempt at a fic (I have plenty more Loki issues to work through), so any feedback will be very helpful for next time.  
> And most importantly, thank you again for all the comments - everyone who kept me feeling appreciated with every post (you guys know who you are) and some lovely thoughts from other people. I genuinely loved every minute of this, and I'm so chuffed that you shared it with me - happy dreams XX


End file.
